Just a Little Longer

Sick! SO SICK!!!!

But finally feeling better.  I think part of it is the medicine that I have been consuming with a rate one would use to eat candy, but also in part to my lovely princess.  She has been telling me the last day or two that she wants to take care of me and checking up on me.  So, I attribute my feeling better to her, medicine can take silver medal.

How I Met Your Mother is on netflix!!!  I am sorry, but I think this is one of the better shows that I have ever seen.  The characters are all very real and believable, and the plot is well written.  It makes em laugh when I have been having a bad day.

So, I have been applying for a lot of non-teaching jobs lately.  It's....hard.  I feel like I am turning my back on teaching.  One of the jobs is theatre related, so I think I wouldn't mind it too badly.  The other is a great paying job at an eye doctor's office.

Is it weird that I'm terrified of getting a job in a field without teaching because I'm scared I may never go back to it.  I mean, I worked at a 7-11 for a miserable years and a half because I didn't have the will to quit.  I'm worried if I get this great paying job and find a good place to live where Carly can visit, that maybe I wouldn't feel the need to look for something else.

I want to teach so badly, but if I were making money and had the ability to to provide for my love, maybe I would settle.

So, I heard this great song today, and it made me smile.  It's called Good Feeling by the Violent Femmes.  Its great, and totally nineties which makes me smile.  I really love the first three lines, which also are the last three lines:
"Won't you stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer"

With how lonely I am here with no one to talk to, I get that feeling.  A little too well.

Here's to the broken ones.

Some things just never seem to change.

So here I am, still jobless, still miserable.  I hate the idea of finding a job that isn't a teaching position.  I know that I should pack that away and find something menial because I need money, but it seems so.... unfair.  I know, the world is unfair.  Does that mean we should play along?

Growing up, all you are sold is work hard to grow up and do whatever you want.  Never give up on your dreams. That's what I have had echoing in my head as of late.  

Some times it feels as though it is all one big joke.  Like I am the victim of this elaborate practical joke.  I jumped through all the hoops, took the tests, gave them all the money they asked for, and now I get nothing in return.  I feel so stupid for believing in anything I have been told.  That after college you get a job and you can start growing up and forging your life.  I mean, what else can I do to prove I am qualified to be a teacher?  I've graduated from college(early), passed all the required tests, got certified in an extra area, and have thirteen years of theatre experience.  What else can there be?

I feel like I am wasting away here.  I spend every day doing the exactly same things.  I wake up after not being able to sleep until four in the morning, I look for open jobs, then play video games and wish I had someone to spend time with.  Some days it gets so very hard to go on.  

I am lonely.  Every day I spend the whole day waiting to get the phone call from the love of my life to tell me she is going to bed, and inevitably hear the disappointment in her voice when I have nothing to talk about.  I went to visit her this last weekend, and it was wonderful to see her.  I saw a lot of friends that I have missed, and unfortunately did not get to see some people I missed, like K.  They all tried very hard to convince me to move back.  It is a hard idea to get out of my head.  I mean, I miss those people immensely and I felt better with them and her than I have at all here in Austin.  However, I hate that town.  I was on edge every time we went out afraid of running into any of the people there I did not want to see.

So now I spend most of my nights watching How I Met Your Mother and crying because I want a life like that.  Being with the love of my life, having a job I love, having those crazy adventures we used to have.  It feels like after school, I moved away and my life came to a stop and I just.... got off. And yet here I am trying to be supportive to all my friends when I feel like I have nothing together.  

Here's to the broken ones.

Laugh Clown......laugh.....

Things just cannot seem to settle down.

At what point does the Brave Adventurer with a heart full of stories become the Jester with a bag full of gags?

I love to tell stories, that's part of who I am.  But when I talk about some of the crazy things that happened to me and my best friend in college, people laugh.  We laugh about these things because we went through them together, and sometimes it's easier to laugh about it than deal with the full gravity of the situation.  But what most people who hear those stories and have a hearty chuckle do not get is that those things were not very fun to go through.  We tell stories about small little escapades and those are told to be funny.  But some of those things were tough.  Stories like the Halloween we went without one of our own, and how hard we tried to get him out of jail.  It was horrible feeling so useless while my best friend was kept away.  Knowing we couldn't even tell him how hard we were trying to get to him.  Or when I got my forehead caved in during a strike.  I laugh about it because I do not want to let on how much it bothers me having a dent in my skull.  How painful it was, and how scared I was when I was conscious enough to know they let me finish strike and drive home with a concussion.  How badly my head hurt for days after that.  The story of having to pawn our microwaves during the last week we spent in the house seems to be funny.  But to us, or me at least, what it reminds me of is the fact that we were starving, and no one wanted to help us.  They all laughed as we talked about trying to haggle twenty dollars out of the pawn guy, but no one wanted to help us.

Maybe I am being a bit oversensitive, but it just seems that no one understands why we tell those stories.  I guess you had to be there...

My girlfriend for the Halloween weekend. We had a great time, despite the fact that she sliced her finger open while we were trying to carve pumpkins.  I spent the whole weekend taking care of her.  I like being able to care for her.  But, part of me knows that I cannot lean on her for help.  I just feel like I have no one to turn to when a problem arises.  I cannot turn to her because she has such a hard time dealing with her own things.  I just feel like as the strong one, I cannot make a single mistake because no one is there to catch me.  I love being her knight in shining armor.  It's just hard sometimes to keep my head up.

Speaking of her, I seem to be the bad guy.  She told me last night on a whim that she dyed a strip of her hair pink.  Anyone who knows me knows I disagree with dying hair, I believe it's the way it is for a reason.  I also love the fact that she loves her blonde hair, she is very proud of it.  I just see it as a contradiction of what she says and does when she talks about loving her perfect blonde hair and then mars some of it.  Even if it is a temporary dye, it just makes me wonder.  I see her as my Rapunzel, and this just chips away at that. Well, I told her that while I love her and will support whatever she wants to do, that I did not like it.  I told her I can still love her and find her beautiful while not agreeing with every decision she makes.  Well this upset her and she made an upset post on her tumblr about it.  This made on of her friends mad and she told me to get the fuck out.  Apparently I am a bad guy for just saying I did not agree with it. This is what seems to happen.  I just express my feelings and I end up the bad guy, the villain.  Same problem, new girlfriend.  I guess the problem is me.

I'll just keep it all to myself.  Then the only one that is mad at me is me.

Untitled

Why can I not get these thoughts out of my head?

I feel so useless lately.  I want so badly to be out on my own, earning my place in the world.  I want to be something, anything.  I want to teach, to have a job where I work Monday through Friday.  I want to stop feeling like I am in high school again.  I hate sitting around waiting for anyone to want me.

My angel came to see me this last weekend.  It was so wonderful.  I love spending time with her.  She makes me smile so wide I think my face will explode.  I love her with all my heart.

It gets so much harder to watch her leave though.  Every time it gets worse, a harder pain to bare.

That's love right?  When a simple "Goodbye" and "See you in three weeks" tears you apart worse than any break up you've ever been through.  She said it perfectly, that it feels like when we have to part it creates this hole in your chest.  I can feel it, empty and heavy.  She takes my heart with her when she leaves, I am happy to let it travel with her.  I keep reading and hearing that eventually this passion fades.  I refuse to believe that.  I can see it getting better.  I do not see myself getting comfortable in this love, but cherishing it more and more over time.

I just cannot wait until she doesn't have to leave anymore.  Until we are together forever.  So we can run away and leave this world behind and start our own.  Until then, I will keep searching for the best way to tell her where she belongs.

"I'm lying with my sweetheart, in her arms I'll be found."

Months

So today was a pretty special day.  Today was the Four month anniversary for my angel and I.

It does not seem like it has been that long, but I guess time flies when you are madly, terribly in love with the perfect woman.  It is funny feeling so happy about four months when I know we will be together for many, much more important dates.   Forever is a long time to be happy and in love.

I know the day was important to her as well, even if she didn't remember for most of the day.  She has so much to deal with anyway.

I need a job.  Because I need to move out.  I want to be on my own again.  Badly.

Very Badly.

For my video game playing friends, Brink is fun for about the 4 hours it takes to entirely beat the game.  Maybe it'd be more fun with friends, but no one else seems to own it.

But, I have things to be happy about, so I am trying to focus on those.

For her.

So much better than I used to be

Do you ever just feel like the world is passing you by?  Maybe it is just because I feel so trapped in this prison I am living in but I feel like I can look out the window and see the world just flying by me.  Like the blur of time will just flash by and my consciousness will just slow into nothingness.

I am not happy here.  I got turned down from my last chance to teach this year.  I feel heartbroken.  How many times can my heart break before I lose the pieces?

I miss my friends.  I miss seeing them.  I hated San Angelo so much, but I miss everyone there.  I miss Carly.  I miss Kolby, even though we only had little time to hang out.  I miss Lance and playing video games all day long until we get pizza or taco bell.  I miss Kat and our crazy little escapades.  I miss Marsh and Ira and the boys and our guy nights.  I miss Art.  And John.  Really badly.  They were my brothers.  Even Johns daughter thinks we are related to him, and by extension, her.  I sometimes feel so stupid for building a life and a home in such an awful place.  I miss getting to blare my music in the dressing room before shows and make everyone listen to my music.

I like music.  I like discovering new music.  I want to be like Marco Polo and Columbus, discovering new music, even if someone else has found it first.  I love songs that seem to have such a personal story to them.  I really like this new band I found The Weakerthans.  I am sure they are well known, but I just found them.  Hearing a new song from a band I do not know feels like having a present from your love under the tree at Christmas, and when you open it and you find it's so wonderful and it's such a great feeling.  They have this line in a song of theirs "I'm in love with love and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on this broken fence, between past and present tense. And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play, but it almost feels ok."

I relate to that.  Maybe that's why I love music so much.  As a man of words, I like finding new ways to express myself.  I find these songs that make me feel like I am not the only hurting or feeling alone.  I know I am not, but it's nice to hear it.

I need to see my Carly.  She is my world.

I am going to keep pressing on, to help my love and find my place.

This is such a great song

The Fortress of Solitude

So everyday I am reminded of the things I should be thankful for.

1. My sweetheart Carly
2. See number one

I am still waiting to hear back from one last teaching job.  It feels like I am more trapped than ever.  I am stuck here in this tiny room, because I cannot stand to be around my family for more than three minutes.  I don't feel like I should apply for a non-teaching job because I want to hold onto hope that I can get this last one.  But every day that ticks by with no call from that job, I feel more like I'm standing in a hole with no way out.  I feel like I am in prison, I get just enough yard time to make myself food, (Carly do not read the next part of the sentence, and no one tell her) even though I have not been eating much at all.  I cannot sleep either.  I am even trying now and it will not happen.  I'm scared that I will have to wait yet another year to try and do what I love.  It is hard enough to deal with my mind that will not stop, but I am trying to help my sweetheart get through a hard time.

She does not seem to realize that there is no shame to struggling.  Isn't that why we try to reach out to people? To let them share in the knowledge we have gained without taking the same shots we did.  It is hard because she has this ingrained notion that she shouldn't have to ask for help.  She is so worried about others opinions of her.  I don't understand it.  She is so perfect, who cares what others think if she doesn't audition for a show.  I know part of it is because she wants to badly, but I know that isn't it fully.  So I am doing everything I can do to make sure she knows one person is proud of her no matter what.  I believe in her always, but it's more than that.  I have faith in her.

For a man like me, that has constantly struggled with the idea of faith, religious and not, it's kind of a big deal for me to be able to say that.  I have complete faith in her.  I know she can do whatever it takes to make her dreams come true.  I look at her, and all I see is promise.  I wish she could see it, even for a second, how much i truly see in her.  Maybe she wouldn't have such a hard time understanding she isn't the first student to have a hard time and she won't be the first to pull through it and succeed.  Maybe she wouldn't have such a hard time letting go of the defeat and have some confidence.

Regardless, she is my world.  I cannot wait until I can make her from my princess into my Queen.

But I have so much weighing on me and not much outlet these days.  I feel like I am going crazy...well, crazier.  I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am tired of playing video games.  I want to do something with myself.  Earn money, be happy, get an apartment so my angel and I can be together.  I feel so much pressure and all I can do is watch it crush me.  So here I am, involuntarily stuck in this Fortress of Solitude.

At least Superman could fly.

This is for my princess.  She has the world's most beautiful smile.

Ugh

My head has been pounding nonstop for the last three days.  It hurts, badly.

I am tired of this.  I am tired of things going wrong.  Everytime I try to make my feelings important in any relationship, in this relationship, it fucks things up.  I need to just shut up and enjoy being with her.  She is my everything, all I want is her happiness.  So i need to let my things go.

I haven't been sleeping much.  I finally pass out around 430 or 5 every morning.  I am tired.

I feel like I am slowly falling to pieces.

I also have this growing desire to smash every mirror in the apartment.  I am tired of looking at myself.

I love my angel more than life.

More than life itself.

The world, spins madly on

And on.....and on....

Things have been tough the last few days.

I have been having a lot of trouble with my girlfriend.  She recently took actions that severely hurt my feelings, and since....I have felt rather terrible.

Trust is a complicated issue with me.  I give it so easily.  I believe everyone has the right to be trusted.  But as soon as I am given a reason to not trust, I very rarely will ever trust that person again.  Innocent until proven guilty right?

Well, I feel like my trust with her has been compromised.

I cannot stand being lied to.  More so when there is no reason to lie.  I have spent many relationships, particularly the last few, shifting through lies.  This is not something I want to do anymore.  I want honesty.

I do not think that is too much to ask for.

I believe we will be ok.  I love her more than life itself.  But I do know it will be hard to believe her for awhile.  Her promises will fall upon doubting ears, which makes me feel very bad.  I feel bad thinking that she should have to prove herself again.  And I feel terrible when she says she has failed me.  I do not not feel like that is the case.  We all make mistakes.  I forgave her the second it happened.  I just, have to let my feelings mend.

I will always love her.

This is a new song I have found.  I love it.  So much.  In particular, my favorite part is the last two lines of the song.

What I Amount To

It has been awhile.  I haven't really felt like getting on here, but there are some things I need to get off my chest.

I have been feeling really down.  I mean, I've been very depressed lately.  Which is hard to handle.  I have tons of free time on my hands since I quit my job.  I have been applying for lots of teaching jobs, but I haven't heard anything positive back yet.  This is such a stressful time.  I am so scared of not being able to find a job for a second year in a row.  It makes me feel like such a failure.

I hate that I spend so much time in my life waiting for people to give me a chance.  I am waiting for these people that have never met me, that do not know what kind of person I am, to decide whether I am worth anything at all.  Just like in high school, waiting to prove if I am smart enough.  In college, waiting for a chance to prove I can act.  Thing is, when I finally got a chance, I have never let anyone down.  I hate having to wait to prove myself, to everyone.

I am also very lonely.  This is probably because I have so much free time on my hands now.  Also, because my sweetness came down last weekend.  It was perfect.  I got to spend so much time with her.  We had so much fun, it was so romantic.  Then, she left.  I didn't know what to do to myself.  I feel so lost without her.

I am upset with her right now.  I know that I have been feeling so low, but it's hard when she is having such a hard time being there for me right now.  She is so busy with all the things she does to keep herself occupied.  I know she's trying to keep herself busy, but it's hard when I am hurting, and all I get is texts five hours apart that say "cheer up".

Also, I am hurt by how much she forgets about me and us.  The other day, she forgot about the song we had talked about being our song, and what our anniversary is.  Maybe I am holding her to standards that are not fair.  I know that I have such a tendency to go the extra mile for everyone.  But it isn't like I ask her to remember every little detail of what I say.  But I think that these things are important enough to warrant a saved spot.  Or tonight, when she forgot about how she asked me to promise to take her to her first midnight movie premiere a few weeks ago.  Well I did, but tonight she went to see the last harry potter movie with her friends.  I pointed out that I now could not keep what I promised her, and she just blew it off as no big deal.  I know it's not a major thing, but it meant something to me.  When I mentioned it, she just said she forgot about us making that promise.  I just...sometimes it's hard to feel important.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I want her to go out with her friends and have fun.  I want her to do whatever will make her happy.  I just...I want my feelings to mean something now and then.  I know she loves me, and I love her more than anything in the world.  I'm just hurting right now.  I know I will get over it soon, I just wanted to let it out.

I guess times are just tough right now.  I cannot honestly remember a time when they weren't.  I have so much time to think that I am driving myself crazy.  I think about my love, the one that hurt me, my work, my friends. It all swirls around in my head non-stop.

I guess I just need to keep going, even if it's tough.

This song has been a favorite of mine for a long time.

A dream, a void, and some bits of paper

So I have been counting down days to when I get to leave my job.  I even made scraps of paper with numbers on them and tacked them to my wall.  When the day is done, I pull one off.  19 days and counting now.  Feels good.

Things have been hard here.  Mostly because I've been feeling so lonely lately.  I just spend a lot of time by myself.  This is due to the fact that where I live is so uncomfortable and work is single shift.

I have been playing a lot of video games.  Fable 3 is a blast to play, although I had to start over.  A friend of mine came over while I was playing, grabbed my controller, and in a single moment enslaved a quarter of my populace and ruined my game.  It was funny, and this time through I'm kicking much more ass, so I'm not too mad.

So, my girlfriend's mom hates me.  She has given my girlfriend several reasons why, but it always seems to change.  I don't know why, I wish I did.  It had been tearing me up inside just trying to figure it out.  I'm not a bad catch.  Yes, I am a bit older than her, but it is not as big a difference between her mother and her father.  I do not drink, or do drugs, I graduated college early, I am a certified teacher in two fields, I treat her like a princess.  I love her more than life, you'd think that would be enough.  But it does hurt how her mom is trying so hard to keep her away from me.  She has made her break promises to me, and will not let her come to visit me.  I respect her love for her mother, and I do not wish to make her feel bad.  I do not feel any ill will towards her parents, it just hurts me.

I had a dream last night that she finally told her mother it was upsetting us.  It went like this:
"Mom, i know you do not approve of us for whatever reason you have.  But this is who I care about deeply and the way you act about it is hurting us.  It is straining both my relationship with him and with you.  The way you talk about him hurts me.  I just want you to support me in my decisions.  He makes me happy and he treats me better than anyone has before.  If that isn't enough for you, that's fine, but I ask you to please respect my wanting to be with him.  I don't like how much we is hurting because of this.  You don't have to be happy about it, just respect it."

I know that is kind of cliche and after-school-specially, but sometimes my dreams just reflect my subconscious.  I am just happy to be with her, and I am willing to suffer anything for her.  This is just weighing on me heavily with everything else that is going on right now.

I might have a lead on a job.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

This is a great song from The Thermals, my favorite band.  It is sad and makes me feel very pensive.

"You can't go home again...

...But you can shop there"  Martin Blank (John Cusack)

Reflecting back on this last week of vacation and really this last month, I have realized why I have been feeling so sad.

I don't really have a home.

I am not close to my family.  Anyone that knows me has heard how I do not spend much time with them.  My family never really showed much interest in me when I was living there.  It is not my home anymore.  I hate going back there.  All it does is remind me of when I was growing up miserable.  Of course Martin was being a bit more tongue in cheek with his comment, seeing as how his childhood home was bulldozed and a convenience store erected in it's place.  But the spirit stays the same.  Once you leave, you change and so does it.  It is not home anymore, it's just a place you used to live.

I cannot call this place home either.  It used to feel that way.  When I had a house with some of my closest friends, it felt like home.  We watched out for each other, cared for each other, struggled together to survive.  But then we all went our separate ways and that family fell apart.  Then I moved back, and I lived with some new friends.  We started to do things a family would.  We fed one another, we listened and loved.  Then one got a family so to speak and left.  Then another moved in with closer friends. Now those left seem to be stuck in this miserable state where none of us want to be here.  The love in this place has gone.  It feels empty.  And suddenly, so do I.

That's the rub I guess.  I have always thought that the family that matter isn't the one you are born into, but the one you choose and find.  I still believe that, but I also realize that your bio family cannot ever quit being your family.  Sure they can stop talking to you and cut you off, but they cannot ever stop physically being your relatives.  A chosen family can fall apart.  They can decide to stop being your family.  They can leave and cause this void to grow into you.

Maybe I am just being too sensitive or too emotional.

I just want to feel the warm embrace of a home again.

As long as I can make her happy I am doing something right.

Entrenched, in the war

I am at a point where I do not feel happy anywhere that I spend my time.  I hate my job, i really do.  I feel like I am wasting away there.  I have given my final date notice, about three and a half weeks from now, but this just makes the time there drag by even slower.  It feels compounded by the fact that I cannot get any return notice from any job applications yet.

The other place I ever really am is home, and I really cannot stand being there either.  My roommates have been fighting a lot.  They are deciding whether or not to keep dating, and I continuously get dragged into their fights.  I absolutely abhor being put into the middle of a fight.  I do not mind talking to someone about their problems, but to be placed in the middle so much is really starting to wear at me.  As soon as you walk into the apartment, you can feel this tension in the air.  Its palpable.

The only place I really find myself enjoying is by her side.  And during this last, rather disappointing week of vacation, I hardly got to see her.  I just want some quality time with the love of my life, I didn't think that would be so difficult.  I love her, and all the frustration is easily worth it, I am just.... wishful that it could be easy for just a little bit.

Also, I am a little pissed off that my favorite band in the world, the Thermals, played in Austin today.  This is upsetting because I left Austin YESTERDAY!  Ugh.

I miss her.  Because I love her so much.

There is a new band I have been following.  They are called The Joy Formidable.  They're welsh, which is pretty cool.  But more importantly, they rock.  I like them.

But for now, it's back into the foxhole with a helmet and some hope.

The lights from the buildings and cars

Look like reflections from the stars...

I have been doing a lot of searching within myself lately.  Maybe it's from all the time I have had to be by myself, I just cannot help to think about everything that is rambling around in my head.

Relationships are hard.  I am incredibly happy in mine right now, but I guess there are a lot of stages they go through.  After attending the wedding this last weekend, I have been regarding them differently.  Being with someone does not mean having no fear, or not being afraid.  I think a small amount of fear is good, in any part of one's life really.  It keeps you sharp, honest, and true.  I am terrified the woman I love is going to wake one day and just realize she could do mush better than me.  But I am not going to let that ruin the happiness she makes me feel. I am too in love to let something little like that mar the perfection and completion she brings to my life.  She has a harder time letting go of hurt that I do.  Maybe I am just more practiced, maybe I've just learned to hide it from myself better.  I just feel like I am not doing enough for her sometimes, like I should be better.  But there's always room to improve.  She means so much to me, I just want to give her the world.

I have a week of vacation coming up, and it could not come faster.  I am looking forward to going home to Austin and catching up with some friends I have not gotten to see in a long time.  I will also help my mom finish the deck and see my sweet as often as possible. I really just want to have fun and enjoy myself instead of constantly having to worry about getting things done.  Some down time sounds amazing.

I love stars.  Maybe its the dreamer in me, but the stars always just seem to be so peaceful to me.  I guess its the idea that they are something else beautiful and yet elusive.  When it comes to the stars, my sign is the libra.  I really don't put much stock into that, i read the horoscopes but only really to see if they fit the day I have had or not. I do take the chinese zodiac much more seriously.  We are in the year of the rabbit, which happens to be my animal.  I feel like this year is better than the last, like somehow I have finally turned things around.

I want to change the world.  This thought has been consuming my thoughts lately.  I want to make a difference.  I want to make the world a better place.  Some people say it cannot be done, but I think no one has truly tried hard enough.  It all comes down to the fact that everyone is out for their own interests these days.  United we can stand and change for the better.  All it takes is enough people actively trying to make a change and we can help.  There are people without homes, without food, children suffering, women scared to voice opinions.  It makes me so sad to think about how many people hurt just because no one wants to help.  I really miss the homeless shelter I used to volunteer at.  It made me feel like I was at least trying to help anyone.

I think of this song whenever I think about the state the world is in.

There is a line in this song that I adore, "You should have been there last night to hear what the big dipper said to me"

The Joining of Souls

So, this weekend i attended an incredibly lovely wedding of a close friend.  It was so nice to see her happy and be able to share in such a special moment.  I have known her a long time, and I have never seen her look at anyone the way she looked at him at the altar.  I am so happy for her.  I also got to see an old teacher and reconnect with her which was wonderful.

I had the pleasure of having my love attend with me as my date.  We held hands through the ceremony, and at one point locked eyes and couldn't look away.  I am in love, and I know it is returned.  We got to sit and watch the love of two great people as they joined forever, and I knew that I loved her more than I ever thought could be possible.  It was a great night we got to spend together, I cannot wait to see her again.

I am, however, exhausted, so I am done for this post.

This one is for the one I love

Always and Forever

So many things in my life I am trying to catch up on now that I have had a moment to catch my breath.

First off, and I am a nerd, is video games.  I have been playing several games lately that have been good.  First off, my roommate and I have been playing mortal kombat like no one's business.  Sometimes it helps work out the frustration in your life to beat the hell out of someone.  I have also tried to pick up a classic and replay it, FFIX.  Final Fantasy 9 wasn't my favorite, or the best one, but it was a good game with a great story.  But recently all my game time has gone to LA Noire.  This game is amazing.  It is based in 1940s LA and is a fictional take on the lives of the detectives that worked the Black Dahlia murders.  I love history, so naturally this game interested me.  It does have problems, mostly the driving mechanism was poorly designed.  Other than that its amazing.  The game was created using motion capture technology, so half the game is based in questioning suspects.  You actually have to watch the suspects facial expression and physical tics to determine whether they are lying or not.  It's challenging but fun, I am having a good time.

Also, musically I have been exploring.  I want to move to Seattle.  I subscribe to a podcast from a Seattle radio station KXEP, and every day they add a new song.  And they are always good!  I discovered my new favorite band from this, The Thermals.  Just two guys and a girl from Portland that make some of the best, most meaningful music I've ever heard.  Every paycheck I download another of their albums.

The other night my roommates and I watched a movie that I feel has changed my life.  It was It's Kind of a Funny Story, and it was incredible.  I have this problem with identifying with characters in movies, and I connected with the main character in this one.  It's about a boy, Craig, that wants to kill himself so he commits himself into a psych ward in a hospital.  There he meets a cast of crazy people that end up teaching him about life.  The movie is wonderfully well written and made, but what made it for me was Zach Galifinakis.  He is funny in things like the hangover with his stupid comedy, but in this movie I was so impressed with his serious yet witty morbidity.  There is a scene where he loses it and it was so well done.  I guess what unsettled me so much when watching it was the fact that I have felt like Craig so many times in my life.  I have always been scared of myself, and having to confront that in a movie was hard.  I recommend it to everyone though.

I have an angel.  I have been sent an angel from heaven and we are in love.  The last couple of days have been hard because I have had a lot of problems come up, but still she is there for me and I feel better.  Her family is wary of me because I happen to be 5 years older than her.  I wish this wasn't such a big deal to some people but I understand why.  I am bothered when people say we are in different points in our lives.  The point of my life I'm at is where I am willing to fight for what I want and need.  I am happy to wait for her to graduate and pursue her dreams.  I just want to support her and be with her.  She has been hurt, then again so have I.  She does have trouble trusting in us still, but more so trusting in herself.  I've always had the problem where I am too trusting.  I have had my heart crushed, recently even, and still I am willing to give it to her.  If you shield yourself, you keep the good away too.  I'd rather hurt a million times and know I'm not hiding from myself.  But i believe in us, and that's all i need.  I love her and she loves me.  What else could matter?

Once she asked me if I would love her forever.  Without a thought, because I didn't have to think I knew, I answered "Always and forever"

She liked that.  I like her.

As we join our hero, much time has passed...

So, I haven't posted here in awhile.  This is due to a few reasons: I have been working like crazy the last few weeks and have rarely had free time to post, my computer has some sort of internal cancer that keeps it from running properly, and that I have been pursuing personal matters that have finally settled somewhat.

So, I have had an interview for a job that sounds like a dream, but unfortunately I have not heard back from them yet and its making me very nervous.

I have, much to my elation, found someone to love.  She's perfect in every single way.  She is the sun and the moon, the light in the darkness.  I am head over heels in love with her. Every second I get to spend with her is heaven on earth. I am happier than I could have ever imagined.

I have been trying to find time to reconnect with my friends that I have not seen in awhile.  Whether it be K, or john, or charlie, It's nice to see them after so long.  I'm tired of being alone so much.

Also, a very close friend is getting married next week, and I am so excited! I cannot wait to go and celebrate her love.  I am so happy that she has found happiness.

Things are looking up, despite minor setbacks, and I am trying to keep it going.  I am making my life happy, and my love is what makes me complete.

She is my Juliet

Love

It is a sensitive topic for a lot of people.

It is what drives us to live, what commands our hearts to beat, and what makes us feel whole.  The beatles told us that all you need is love, and that we shouldnt care too much for money because money cant buy us love.

However, it can also hurt us.

It is the reason we cry all night long, jump through rings of abuse, and tear our hearts out.  I learned from John Cale (or Leonard Cohen for you purists) that love is not a victory march, but a cold and a broken hallelujah.  He also said that the only thing he ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew him.

Lately in my life I've been siding with the latter point of view.

All my life I've identified myself as an idealistic cynic.  By that I mean that I love to dream big, but I know dreams dont ever really come true.

But I have always tried to believe in love, no matter what.  I used to believe love could move mountains and conquer armies.  But recently its been hard to keep my head up about the subject.

Looking back, nothing leading up to where I am today has ever gone right.  Everytime I fall in love, it seems to always be a reason it cant work.  I always screw up somehow, I dont do enough, Im not good enough.

Whether she is going to school in Paris, or pushing my towards her goals in life, or lying to me for ten months, or she only seems to want me when im taken but not when im single, or has a boyfriend that treats her so terribly.  Yet I always feel at fault.

Is that really love? Constantly feeling sorry, or like you're to blame? Like you are never good enough no matter how hard you try?

I hope not.

But hope is something we use to shield ourselves from the truth.  Just like wishes, they let us escape, but never seem to deliver.  Maybe thats just me being cynical again, but just once I'd love for a dream or a wish or hope to come true.

Or just to fall in love and know they could possibly love me back.

Maybe it was a mistake to tell her how I feel.  I've made enough in my lifetime.  But I've gone all my life watching opprotunities slip away, letting feelings go unsaid.  I'd rather hurt and have her know.

Who knows?

Maybe she'll figure out that she desevres to be treated amazingly and she'll give me a chance.  Or maybe she'll never speak to me again.  All I know is I care about her and only want whatever is best for her.  Even if it means I have to hurt one more time.

This is the John Cale song.  Beautiful.

this song reminds me of her.

this song is one my heart sings.

Who I Am

I know this is the first post in a long while, I have been busy trying to keep my life together.

So, I have been asking myself this question a lot lately.

Who Am I?

I think we all ask this of ourselves from time to time, but I have been lost more of my self identity lately.

I am a very lonely person.  I don't mean lonely like seeing someone, but just....I am alone so much.  I hate that lately when talking to friends and I mention being lonely and they give me the same tired speech about being without someone.  I do not need to be in a relationship.  I understand that there are plenty of people out there for me to meet.  However, I do miss the companionship.  I miss being the special someone.  I miss feeling special.  All my life I have felt alone.  My family and I weren't close, I didn't have many friends, so I understand that I crave someone to talk to sometimes.   I miss meaning more than anything to someone.  I miss feeling special and unique. She used to say it to me and like a fool I believed it.  I think you miss something more after you've had it when you thought it would never feel better.

On that subject, I am broken.  It has been three months and I am still reeling.  I feel as though a part of me will never return.  I have been hurt before, but never like this.  I have been up until about 3 in the morning every night lying on the floor of my bathroom sobbing.  After three months I am exhausted.  Every time i feel like I am getting better, something comes along to remind me of how much I miss.  I do not know what to do.  I am afraid to sleep because I have this recurring dream where I am attending my own funeral.  Everyone I love is there, and they are reading the note I have left behind after killing myself.  It's surreal and frightening.

I am intelligent.  I used to be afraid to admit that.  There were times in school when I was younger that I would almost try to do poorly in classes to feel normal.  I have been in accelerated learning classes since the second grade.  But now, I am proud of my intellect.  I graduated college early, I am certified to teach.  I cannot see a limit to how much more I want to learn.  I guess the only downside is that I sometimes sound too snobby.  I have had people tell me I make them feel dumb.  I hate that.  I do not like lording anything over anyone.  I am sorry to whomever I have hurt like that.

I am not handsome.  I have accepted that I am not good looking like I wish I was.  As an actor that was one of my biggest setbacks.

I am a good friend.  I pride myself on being there for the ones I love.

I share too much.  But I never share about the things that really matter.

I am flawed. I make mistakes very often.  But I always try to apologize and fix it.

I know this is not completely who I am, but it has been interesting trying to answer that question about myself.

Maybe one day I will get it right...

I love this song.

This has been repeating in my head over and over.

The People Around Us

So I recently, I guess, I went through what I would call the loss of a friend.  It's always a sad moment in our lives when we lose friends, for whatever the reason.  However, I don't believe it should be this painful.  Sometimes friends move, or start to pursue interests that do not reflect your own, and you grow apart.  Maybe through the fault of no one, but you both get busy and forget to catch up.  I admit I am terrible about calling people back when they try to stay in touch.  Not maliciously, or course, but I get so focused on what is here in front of me, I forget to reach out to meet the ones I love.

But this time, it was painful.  I was told by a friend that we could no longer be friends anymore.  What I guess makes it worse is the fact that the reasoning behind this was that her boyfriend demanded it.  He said I was tearing them apart.  I wish I saw how, but I do not understand at all.  We were friends, yet that was unacceptable.  The only reason we had been talking so much lately is because she was trying to be there for me after a devastating break up.  Maybe it is just me, but that seems like a terrible way to try to steal someones girlfriend, rambling to them incoherently through the tears about how I'm horribly in love with someone else.

Jealousy makes us do terrible things.  I know that.  It never goes away though, no matter how hard we try to make it.

I guess it just hurts being told that they don't want to be there for you anymore.  To know that the connection you had means nothing now.  Especially being accused of trying to foul up a relationship when all I wanted, needed, was a friend to talk to.

It all comes down to what we are willing to do for others.  I know my perspective is skewn and biased because I am very selfless minded.  Not that I'm saying I have some good trait, I've just never cared about myself, but I've always cared about others.  I have had significant others that have told me not to be friends with certain people.  I told them if they could not accept me for how I am, always willing to be there for someone in need, then they could get over it.  Sometimes all someone, including myself, needs is just someone to talk to.  I refuse to let someone hurt alone because it is asked of me.

I do not want to sound whiney.  I understand why she did it.  Hell, I respect her for standing up for what she believes in.  Defending love is a noble cause, and I would never ask it sacrificed for anything.  I just wish it didn't involve losing someone I cared about.

Maybe I'm just trouble.  Everyone I try to involve in my life ends up getting hurt hurt.  I don't blame anyone that pushes me away.

For now, I'll just keep talking to the darkness.

Even if there's one less ear to listen.

I keep hearing this song directed at me.

Lonesome Just Like Me

So, I've been spending a lot of my time alone lately, which is incredibly hard for me to handle.  I'm a social person, I hate being alone.  Now, I do not mean that in a dating/relationship way, I just don't like being physically alone.  But for the last few nights, I've done nothing but sit by myself.

I feel like my friends are always busy.  I just want someone to go out of their way for me.  Maybe that's selfish, but every once and awhile I think I'm allowed to be.  Things have been tough, and we are all busy these days, but no one seems to want to make time for me.

On a semi-related note, I feel like the techno-centric society we live in today makes it incredibly easy for people to be so impersonal.  We are all incredibly connected, through facebook, twitter, e-mail, text, and cellphones in general.  And yet it seems to much harder to get a hold of anyone these days.  It's so easy for people to ignore others now.  To say that you didn't get a text, or didn't see that message just because you don't want to talk to someone.  It takes all the responsibility out of taking actions.

I made the mistake recently of telling a friend that I wanted to take her on a date.  Now, neither of us are really ready for anything serious.  I'm still reeling over my personal hurt, and she is handling hers well but it wasn't too long ago she became available, same for me as well.  But, me being the moron I am, I said sometime I'd like to take her out.  Well, now she hasn't answered me when I've been trying to talk to her.  Maybe she's been busy or not getting them, but I feel like I've messed up.  I text her the other night to see if she wanted to hang out, and I'm afraid she thinks I'm trying to move this ahead.  Truth is, I miss her as a friend.  And with how lonely I've been, I just wanted someone to talk to.  A friend to lean on.  But who knows?

Maybe it's just the loneliness talking.

Love is a gamble, roll the dice or lose your turn.

To quote the excellent Jackie Greene "I've got me a worried mind, gonna find me a worried kind of girl, who's lonesome just like me."

Struggles

So, this has been a very strange week.

I feel like I'm finally starting to move forward through this very immense pain that I've been stuck in.  It still hurts like no ones business, but I don't feel paralyzed anymore.  I know that from this I can learn a lot about myself and try to utilize it in the future.  I wish I didn't have to go through this terrible experience to understand myself a bit better, but then again we never truly go through anything the way we wish we did.

I have something I'd like to get off my chest.  I struggle with depression.

To most, this is a sad statement.  To me, I love the word struggle.  It means I'm fighting it.   It means I refuse to let it control me.  Yes, some days it hits harder than others.  However, I will not bow to it.  A lot of people want me to seek help, medicine and that kind of thing.  I don't believe in it.  I refuse there's some magic fix, some simple problem.  I will face this one day at a time.  I am a warrior, I will fight it until it is gone.  I just hope I have people in my life to support me along the way.

So, from every loss in your life comes new opportunity.  I've noticed this from talking to people close to me this week.

I am strong.  I am alive.  Someone will accept me for who I am, not who they want me to be.

The things we long for, everything but me

What makes us want what we want?  Are we programmed to like things from birth, or do we develop these needs from life experience?  Time and time again, I find myself longing for what I had, and driving myself crazy over what I want.  JUst like the Stones said, You cant always get what you want.  But do we get what we need?  I don't know.  It doesnt feel like it sometimes.  But really, what do I need?

What do I want?

Someone to talk to.  People to turn to when I fall.  Something to be proud of.  I've never been proud of myself.  I've always relied on others to validate me for myself.  I do everything in my life for others.  I pushed myself as a student to make my friends and loved ones proud.  I pushed myself as an actor to make my mentor and fellow students proud.  I pushed myself as a director to make my actors and someone proud.  I fought so hard as a teacher to make my students and my advisor proud.  But why cannot I do it for me?

But is that wrong?  Thats who I am.  I live for others.  My heart lives to make others happy.  Thats how I find my happiness.  Why can't the world accept me for what I am?  I carrying every pain I've ever felt with me at all times.  I can feel the weight crushing down on me.  I am a sad person, but that doesn't mean I dont feel love and happiness.  If I am cut, I do bleed.  I use that pain, i use it to drive me forward to be there for others.  That is what I have chosen.  Can't anybody love me for that?  For being selfless?

Maybe that means i dont deserve love....

Maybe I dont deserve anything i want or need....

Maybe...Maybe not...

Perfect: Easier With Numbers

The days seem to be slipping by leaving me behind....

So I was thinking about perfect numbers the other night.  A perfect number is a number that is equal to half of the sum of all its multiples.  The smallest perfect number is 6.  For clarification:

6 = (1+2+3+6)/2

Or, in English, the multiples of 6 are 1,2,3, and 6.  Add them all up, and you get 12, which is twice as much as 6.  This made me think, what defines the search of perfection for people?  Does the same definition fit?  If so, does that mean that to be perfect, we have to achieve 200% of what we are made of?  Maybe that is why I've never been close, no matter how hard I've pushed myself.  I cannot equal that.  With numbers, it is so easy, so simple, just define a number, and it's multiples, and then add.  With people, with me, it's hard.  What compromises me?  Do we add up my love of helping others, my hatred of myself, and my inability to recognize what i have to give the world?  That seems to be so insurmountable, pushing myself to be twice of what I already work so hard to be.

Maybe I'll just give up.  That's what people do with math homework when it doesn't make sense.

Also, I'd like to talk about symbols.  Everyone has a certain symbol they identify with more than anything else.  Mine is the Phoenix.

But, have you ever stopped and wondered why we attach ourselves to these symbols?  For me, it means never having to surrender.  A Phoenix never truly dies, whenever it fails, it gets a second chance to make things right.  I always push myself so hard that I'm terrified of failing.  But if I'm a Phoenix, I always get another chance.  I am born of fire to fight with all my heart.

Just a thought, even though I have too many.

This song has been stuck in my head

The beginning of the end

So I have decided to join the ranks of those who blog.

Have you ever looked up at the moon and wondered if anyone was looking at it too?  Maybe I have too much time on my hands but earlier I was standing outside watching the moon and just wondering how many people were looking up at it as well.  Loneliness will drive us to think crazy things sometimes....

Ive been thinking about death a lot lately.  More specifically, my own.  But i feel very desensitized towards it lately.  I was watching Skins, a wonderful British show, and one of the characters father died.  And me?  I laughed.  It didn't bother me one bit.  It isn't death that scares me, but recidivism.  The idea of going back to what I was, what I've been.

As for those of you who will read this, mostly my friends that have blogs, I'm sure you are wondering what the title of my blog means.  Nikolai Gogol was a Russian author that wrote one of my favorite stories, Diary of a Madman.  Seeing as how this is going to be an outlet for my insane rantings, I figured the reference was appropriate.

I guess that's all for now.  Here's what I'm feeling right now: