Saturday, June 18, 2011

A dream, a void, and some bits of paper

So I have been counting down days to when I get to leave my job.  I even made scraps of paper with numbers on them and tacked them to my wall.  When the day is done, I pull one off.  19 days and counting now.  Feels good.

Things have been hard here.  Mostly because I've been feeling so lonely lately.  I just spend a lot of time by myself.  This is due to the fact that where I live is so uncomfortable and work is single shift.

I have been playing a lot of video games.  Fable 3 is a blast to play, although I had to start over.  A friend of mine came over while I was playing, grabbed my controller, and in a single moment enslaved a quarter of my populace and ruined my game.  It was funny, and this time through I'm kicking much more ass, so I'm not too mad.

So, my girlfriend's mom hates me.  She has given my girlfriend several reasons why, but it always seems to change.  I don't know why, I wish I did.  It had been tearing me up inside just trying to figure it out.  I'm not a bad catch.  Yes, I am a bit older than her, but it is not as big a difference between her mother and her father.  I do not drink, or do drugs, I graduated college early, I am a certified teacher in two fields, I treat her like a princess.  I love her more than life, you'd think that would be enough.  But it does hurt how her mom is trying so hard to keep her away from me.  She has made her break promises to me, and will not let her come to visit me.  I respect her love for her mother, and I do not wish to make her feel bad.  I do not feel any ill will towards her parents, it just hurts me.

I had a dream last night that she finally told her mother it was upsetting us.  It went like this:
"Mom, i know you do not approve of us for whatever reason you have.  But this is who I care about deeply and the way you act about it is hurting us.  It is straining both my relationship with him and with you.  The way you talk about him hurts me.  I just want you to support me in my decisions.  He makes me happy and he treats me better than anyone has before.  If that isn't enough for you, that's fine, but I ask you to please respect my wanting to be with him.  I don't like how much we is hurting because of this.  You don't have to be happy about it, just respect it."

I know that is kind of cliche and after-school-specially, but sometimes my dreams just reflect my subconscious.  I am just happy to be with her, and I am willing to suffer anything for her.  This is just weighing on me heavily with everything else that is going on right now.

I might have a lead on a job.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

This is a great song from The Thermals, my favorite band.  It is sad and makes me feel very pensive.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

"You can't go home again...

...But you can shop there"  Martin Blank (John Cusack)

Reflecting back on this last week of vacation and really this last month, I have realized why I have been feeling so sad.

I don't really have a home.

I am not close to my family.  Anyone that knows me has heard how I do not spend much time with them.  My family never really showed much interest in me when I was living there.  It is not my home anymore.  I hate going back there.  All it does is remind me of when I was growing up miserable.  Of course Martin was being a bit more tongue in cheek with his comment, seeing as how his childhood home was bulldozed and a convenience store erected in it's place.  But the spirit stays the same.  Once you leave, you change and so does it.  It is not home anymore, it's just a place you used to live.

I cannot call this place home either.  It used to feel that way.  When I had a house with some of my closest friends, it felt like home.  We watched out for each other, cared for each other, struggled together to survive.  But then we all went our separate ways and that family fell apart.  Then I moved back, and I lived with some new friends.  We started to do things a family would.  We fed one another, we listened and loved.  Then one got a family so to speak and left.  Then another moved in with closer friends. Now those left seem to be stuck in this miserable state where none of us want to be here.  The love in this place has gone.  It feels empty.  And suddenly, so do I.

That's the rub I guess.  I have always thought that the family that matter isn't the one you are born into, but the one you choose and find.  I still believe that, but I also realize that your bio family cannot ever quit being your family.  Sure they can stop talking to you and cut you off, but they cannot ever stop physically being your relatives.  A chosen family can fall apart.  They can decide to stop being your family.  They can leave and cause this void to grow into you.

Maybe I am just being too sensitive or too emotional.

I just want to feel the warm embrace of a home again.

As long as I can make her happy I am doing something right.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Entrenched, in the war

I am at a point where I do not feel happy anywhere that I spend my time.  I hate my job, i really do.  I feel like I am wasting away there.  I have given my final date notice, about three and a half weeks from now, but this just makes the time there drag by even slower.  It feels compounded by the fact that I cannot get any return notice from any job applications yet.

The other place I ever really am is home, and I really cannot stand being there either.  My roommates have been fighting a lot.  They are deciding whether or not to keep dating, and I continuously get dragged into their fights.  I absolutely abhor being put into the middle of a fight.  I do not mind talking to someone about their problems, but to be placed in the middle so much is really starting to wear at me.  As soon as you walk into the apartment, you can feel this tension in the air.  Its palpable.

The only place I really find myself enjoying is by her side.  And during this last, rather disappointing week of vacation, I hardly got to see her.  I just want some quality time with the love of my life, I didn't think that would be so difficult.  I love her, and all the frustration is easily worth it, I am just.... wishful that it could be easy for just a little bit.

Also, I am a little pissed off that my favorite band in the world, the Thermals, played in Austin today.  This is upsetting because I left Austin YESTERDAY!  Ugh.

I miss her.  Because I love her so much.

There is a new band I have been following.  They are called The Joy Formidable.  They're welsh, which is pretty cool.  But more importantly, they rock.  I like them.

But for now, it's back into the foxhole with a helmet and some hope.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The lights from the buildings and cars

Look like reflections from the stars...

I have been doing a lot of searching within myself lately.  Maybe it's from all the time I have had to be by myself, I just cannot help to think about everything that is rambling around in my head.

Relationships are hard.  I am incredibly happy in mine right now, but I guess there are a lot of stages they go through.  After attending the wedding this last weekend, I have been regarding them differently.  Being with someone does not mean having no fear, or not being afraid.  I think a small amount of fear is good, in any part of one's life really.  It keeps you sharp, honest, and true.  I am terrified the woman I love is going to wake one day and just realize she could do mush better than me.  But I am not going to let that ruin the happiness she makes me feel. I am too in love to let something little like that mar the perfection and completion she brings to my life.  She has a harder time letting go of hurt that I do.  Maybe I am just more practiced, maybe I've just learned to hide it from myself better.  I just feel like I am not doing enough for her sometimes, like I should be better.  But there's always room to improve.  She means so much to me, I just want to give her the world.

I have a week of vacation coming up, and it could not come faster.  I am looking forward to going home to Austin and catching up with some friends I have not gotten to see in a long time.  I will also help my mom finish the deck and see my sweet as often as possible. I really just want to have fun and enjoy myself instead of constantly having to worry about getting things done.  Some down time sounds amazing.

I love stars.  Maybe its the dreamer in me, but the stars always just seem to be so peaceful to me.  I guess its the idea that they are something else beautiful and yet elusive.  When it comes to the stars, my sign is the libra.  I really don't put much stock into that, i read the horoscopes but only really to see if they fit the day I have had or not. I do take the chinese zodiac much more seriously.  We are in the year of the rabbit, which happens to be my animal.  I feel like this year is better than the last, like somehow I have finally turned things around.

I want to change the world.  This thought has been consuming my thoughts lately.  I want to make a difference.  I want to make the world a better place.  Some people say it cannot be done, but I think no one has truly tried hard enough.  It all comes down to the fact that everyone is out for their own interests these days.  United we can stand and change for the better.  All it takes is enough people actively trying to make a change and we can help.  There are people without homes, without food, children suffering, women scared to voice opinions.  It makes me so sad to think about how many people hurt just because no one wants to help.  I really miss the homeless shelter I used to volunteer at.  It made me feel like I was at least trying to help anyone.

I think of this song whenever I think about the state the world is in.

There is a line in this song that I adore, "You should have been there last night to hear what the big dipper said to me"