Wednesday, August 31, 2011

So much better than I used to be

Do you ever just feel like the world is passing you by?  Maybe it is just because I feel so trapped in this prison I am living in but I feel like I can look out the window and see the world just flying by me.  Like the blur of time will just flash by and my consciousness will just slow into nothingness.

I am not happy here.  I got turned down from my last chance to teach this year.  I feel heartbroken.  How many times can my heart break before I lose the pieces?

I miss my friends.  I miss seeing them.  I hated San Angelo so much, but I miss everyone there.  I miss Carly.  I miss Kolby, even though we only had little time to hang out.  I miss Lance and playing video games all day long until we get pizza or taco bell.  I miss Kat and our crazy little escapades.  I miss Marsh and Ira and the boys and our guy nights.  I miss Art.  And John.  Really badly.  They were my brothers.  Even Johns daughter thinks we are related to him, and by extension, her.  I sometimes feel so stupid for building a life and a home in such an awful place.  I miss getting to blare my music in the dressing room before shows and make everyone listen to my music.

I like music.  I like discovering new music.  I want to be like Marco Polo and Columbus, discovering new music, even if someone else has found it first.  I love songs that seem to have such a personal story to them.  I really like this new band I found The Weakerthans.  I am sure they are well known, but I just found them.  Hearing a new song from a band I do not know feels like having a present from your love under the tree at Christmas, and when you open it and you find it's so wonderful and it's such a great feeling.  They have this line in a song of theirs "I'm in love with love and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on this broken fence, between past and present tense. And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play, but it almost feels ok."

I relate to that.  Maybe that's why I love music so much.  As a man of words, I like finding new ways to express myself.  I find these songs that make me feel like I am not the only hurting or feeling alone.  I know I am not, but it's nice to hear it.

I need to see my Carly.  She is my world.

I am going to keep pressing on, to help my love and find my place.

This is such a great song

Monday, August 22, 2011

The Fortress of Solitude

So everyday I am reminded of the things I should be thankful for.

1. My sweetheart Carly
2. See number one

I am still waiting to hear back from one last teaching job.  It feels like I am more trapped than ever.  I am stuck here in this tiny room, because I cannot stand to be around my family for more than three minutes.  I don't feel like I should apply for a non-teaching job because I want to hold onto hope that I can get this last one.  But every day that ticks by with no call from that job, I feel more like I'm standing in a hole with no way out.  I feel like I am in prison, I get just enough yard time to make myself food, (Carly do not read the next part of the sentence, and no one tell her) even though I have not been eating much at all.  I cannot sleep either.  I am even trying now and it will not happen.  I'm scared that I will have to wait yet another year to try and do what I love.  It is hard enough to deal with my mind that will not stop, but I am trying to help my sweetheart get through a hard time.

She does not seem to realize that there is no shame to struggling.  Isn't that why we try to reach out to people? To let them share in the knowledge we have gained without taking the same shots we did.  It is hard because she has this ingrained notion that she shouldn't have to ask for help.  She is so worried about others opinions of her.  I don't understand it.  She is so perfect, who cares what others think if she doesn't audition for a show.  I know part of it is because she wants to badly, but I know that isn't it fully.  So I am doing everything I can do to make sure she knows one person is proud of her no matter what.  I believe in her always, but it's more than that.  I have faith in her.

For a man like me, that has constantly struggled with the idea of faith, religious and not, it's kind of a big deal for me to be able to say that.  I have complete faith in her.  I know she can do whatever it takes to make her dreams come true.  I look at her, and all I see is promise.  I wish she could see it, even for a second, how much i truly see in her.  Maybe she wouldn't have such a hard time understanding she isn't the first student to have a hard time and she won't be the first to pull through it and succeed.  Maybe she wouldn't have such a hard time letting go of the defeat and have some confidence.

Regardless, she is my world.  I cannot wait until I can make her from my princess into my Queen.

But I have so much weighing on me and not much outlet these days.  I feel like I am going crazy...well, crazier.  I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am tired of playing video games.  I want to do something with myself.  Earn money, be happy, get an apartment so my angel and I can be together.  I feel so much pressure and all I can do is watch it crush me.  So here I am, involuntarily stuck in this Fortress of Solitude.

At least Superman could fly.

This is for my princess.  She has the world's most beautiful smile.