Just a Little Longer

Sick! SO SICK!!!!

But finally feeling better.  I think part of it is the medicine that I have been consuming with a rate one would use to eat candy, but also in part to my lovely princess.  She has been telling me the last day or two that she wants to take care of me and checking up on me.  So, I attribute my feeling better to her, medicine can take silver medal.

How I Met Your Mother is on netflix!!!  I am sorry, but I think this is one of the better shows that I have ever seen.  The characters are all very real and believable, and the plot is well written.  It makes em laugh when I have been having a bad day.

So, I have been applying for a lot of non-teaching jobs lately.  It's....hard.  I feel like I am turning my back on teaching.  One of the jobs is theatre related, so I think I wouldn't mind it too badly.  The other is a great paying job at an eye doctor's office.

Is it weird that I'm terrified of getting a job in a field without teaching because I'm scared I may never go back to it.  I mean, I worked at a 7-11 for a miserable years and a half because I didn't have the will to quit.  I'm worried if I get this great paying job and find a good place to live where Carly can visit, that maybe I wouldn't feel the need to look for something else.

I want to teach so badly, but if I were making money and had the ability to to provide for my love, maybe I would settle.

So, I heard this great song today, and it made me smile.  It's called Good Feeling by the Violent Femmes.  Its great, and totally nineties which makes me smile.  I really love the first three lines, which also are the last three lines:
"Won't you stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer"

With how lonely I am here with no one to talk to, I get that feeling.  A little too well.

Here's to the broken ones.

Some things just never seem to change.

So here I am, still jobless, still miserable.  I hate the idea of finding a job that isn't a teaching position.  I know that I should pack that away and find something menial because I need money, but it seems so.... unfair.  I know, the world is unfair.  Does that mean we should play along?

Growing up, all you are sold is work hard to grow up and do whatever you want.  Never give up on your dreams. That's what I have had echoing in my head as of late.  

Some times it feels as though it is all one big joke.  Like I am the victim of this elaborate practical joke.  I jumped through all the hoops, took the tests, gave them all the money they asked for, and now I get nothing in return.  I feel so stupid for believing in anything I have been told.  That after college you get a job and you can start growing up and forging your life.  I mean, what else can I do to prove I am qualified to be a teacher?  I've graduated from college(early), passed all the required tests, got certified in an extra area, and have thirteen years of theatre experience.  What else can there be?

I feel like I am wasting away here.  I spend every day doing the exactly same things.  I wake up after not being able to sleep until four in the morning, I look for open jobs, then play video games and wish I had someone to spend time with.  Some days it gets so very hard to go on.  

I am lonely.  Every day I spend the whole day waiting to get the phone call from the love of my life to tell me she is going to bed, and inevitably hear the disappointment in her voice when I have nothing to talk about.  I went to visit her this last weekend, and it was wonderful to see her.  I saw a lot of friends that I have missed, and unfortunately did not get to see some people I missed, like K.  They all tried very hard to convince me to move back.  It is a hard idea to get out of my head.  I mean, I miss those people immensely and I felt better with them and her than I have at all here in Austin.  However, I hate that town.  I was on edge every time we went out afraid of running into any of the people there I did not want to see.

So now I spend most of my nights watching How I Met Your Mother and crying because I want a life like that.  Being with the love of my life, having a job I love, having those crazy adventures we used to have.  It feels like after school, I moved away and my life came to a stop and I just.... got off. And yet here I am trying to be supportive to all my friends when I feel like I have nothing together.  

Here's to the broken ones.