Monday, January 14, 2013

The wheel just keeps on turning

Lots of things have happened since I last wrote in here.

I am loving my teaching job!  I love my kids so much and I cannot believe how happy being here has made me.  Teaching has been so wonderful to me.  I have a ton of kids that like my classes and are super excited to take part in one act.  I've gotten to be a cheerleader co-sponsor and a band assistant.  I am just so happy getting to be here.

And sadly, thats about all I've had to be happy about lately.

Another christmas and new years come and gone.  I got to spend time with Carly before Christmas and during new years, which was nice. It was pretty cute how we got each other socks.  She also got me a nerf gun which I have enjoyed in my loneliness.

I have been spending a lot of time alone.  I work, come home, spend my time alone all night, and then repeat the next day.  I've been talking to myself....a lot.  Carly hasn't had the time to talk with me much.

Things between us have gotten strained.  I have this feeling like she's trying to not be around me.  It seems like every time I hear from her she is doing X with this person or Y with that person.  Like I am being replaced with all the people she can see because she can't see me.  I think part of it is that I am jealous because I have no one to spend time with.  And now she has enrolled at Corpus and wants to go to other places for the summer.  I remember back when she was looking at other school, I mentioned west texas a&m, which has a great theatre program, and is only an hour from me.  At the time she blew it off and said she looked and didn't really care about it.  Now that she is going to corpus, she wishes she would've looked at WT more.  I mentioned it a couple of times about how I wish she would've looked harder and gone, and she snapped at me about it.  I want her to be where ever she can be happy, but to think it could have been an hour away and now she is about 14 away.  It's just very frustrating that she is so dead focused on her and what she wants that she doesn't realize we need to plan for us, or that there even is an us that needs planning and caring.  Isn't that why we try to be with the people we love, to be special? Here lately I feel more like just another cog in her machine.  And when ever she visits she never seems satisfied with what we do. There isn't a lot around where I live now, and she always says she wishes we'd go dancing or see things she likes.  Once and awhile it'd be nice to get recognized for doing the best I can, even if it's not much.

I watched this great movie the other night on netflix.  It's called Sleepwalk With Me.  It was written and directed by one of my favorite comedians Mike Birbiglia.  The movie chronicles his fight with REM disorder, a fairly awful sleep disease, and his crumbling relationship with his girlfriend Abby. It ends up where Abby and Mike were together for over eight years purely because they didn't want to hurt each other by breaking up.  Given my last girlfriend and now what's been going on with Carly, it's a scary idea to entertain.  Wonderful movie though, really gets into the hear of human commitment and fear.

I don't know, I wish they would've told me how complicated life would be when I was in high school. It wouldn't change a thing, but at least I would have known, right?

I'm just working a job that takes up so much of me and trying to show my undying love to someone that's so far away from me and doesn't plan on being close anytime in the future. At least I've got love, no matter the miles in between.