Things seem to be rushing by and taking their sweet time all at once. I cannot wait to get out of here, move into my new house and my new job. Yet, I feel like I still have a million things to take care of before I go. So many things to set up or get paid for. It's very overwhelming some times.
I think it stinks that I have made so many new friends while at my current job and now I have to leave them. I know I got a job doing what I've always dreamed of, but I really like them. I like Krystal, even though she doesn't come around too often, and Kylene and Erika and Stephanie and Kim and Mandy and Alicia and Brooke now too. I think it sucks that I won't see them every day.
So I finished Mass Effect 3, and I have to say I do not understand why everyone got so upset about it. I loved the ending of that game. Having to make such a difficult choice and then watching the whole thing come down around me. It was very powerful, and I feel like it validated the time I spent playing all three of those games.
I am afraid of moving. It's a very scary idea of moving somewhere where I do not know anybody. Even better, the people I will be spending almost every day with at work I cannot legally be friends with. I know I will be happy working, but coming home to an empty house every night just makes me feel... depressed.
I miss my sweetheart. It's just so hard seeing her so little. I love her so much.
I guess this is a shorter one tonight, I am tired and ready to go to bed.
I was going to try for a song by the Young Dubliners, an irish folk/rock band. However, I am still on my Ben Folds kick and while missing my princess, I have to go with this one.
SO, it has been a very long time since I have written anything here. That is due in part to the job I have bee working as well as the rather busy state of affairs in my recent life.
First, I got a teaching job. I feel so vindicated that all the hard work I have suffered through is finally paying off. I got a theatre and speech position in Clarendon, Tx. It's a bit of a turn from the big city life I have been enjoying up to now, but I have a wonderful space and a house that I will be renting. It was a great feeling to be able to tell my mentor that I am finally able to make him proud. For the first time in a long time I feel unstoppable.
I have been watching a lot of tv lately. I got to catch up in Community, which if you have not, please do yourself the favor and watch it. Its a wonderfully written show with a great cast that always finds a way to stay fresh and invigorating.
I also got to sit down and watch the first season of The Killing, which has just amazed me. Its this gripping account of a murder in Seattle and all the people involved with the case. What I love most is how real all of the characters are. They all show joy, anger, frustration, and sadness in these wonderfully created arcs for each person. None of them are drop dead gorgeous models, but they are real, true, and sometimes very creepy people. AMC has been kicking so much TV ass of late. I recommend a watch.
I have been increasingly frustrated with my girlfriend lately. I just....I'm not sure what I can do for her anymore. I try to help but it never seems to stick, whenever she says she will take my advice she ends up ignoring it. She says she will do things but conveniently finds reason to never do any of them. I just do not understand what goes on with her. She cannot seem to pass some of the classes she takes, but she has all the time to have cooking parties and make trips.
Just a few months ago, it was like pulling teeth just to bring up the idea of getting to see each other but now suddenly she's taking trips every weekend. This weekend she is going to a wedding as a date of a friend. I feel bad because I don't want to be the spoiler of fun by saying I wouldn't advise going, what with her having a test Monday in a class she hasn't been able to pass, so I don't know what to do. I feel like a grinch around her sometimes, having to be the voice of reason. I just don't like the thought of her at some wedding when she has other matters to attend to.
Also, I know she will dance her heart out at the wedding. She and I have had the this talk before, but I do get uncomfortable with the idea of her dancing with all these strangers. I don't believe it comes from any controlling part of me, I have no qualms with her going to eat with a male friend or spending time with one. But I see dancing as such an intimate activity, with you being so close, touching, eyes on each other. She loves to dance so much and will dance with any guy she can get her hands on, and the thought just makes me feel so....queasy.
Sometimes I just feel like she just expects me to always be there so a lot of attention gets turned to other things in her life. The other day I called wanting to talk, and when she called me back after I missed her, she went on for over twenty minutes about herself and then said she had to go and left before I got a chance to say anything I wanted to. It is hard being the strong one in a relationship because the other person starts to think you never falter or have need of them. I just never know what to say anymore, either I am feeling like the bad guy for wanting her to focus on school or being the crutch that gets pulled out only when needed.
I just want to start teaching already. I feel like I am good at that.
But finally feeling better. I think part of it is the medicine that I have been consuming with a rate one would use to eat candy, but also in part to my lovely princess. She has been telling me the last day or two that she wants to take care of me and checking up on me. So, I attribute my feeling better to her, medicine can take silver medal.
How I Met Your Mother is on netflix!!! I am sorry, but I think this is one of the better shows that I have ever seen. The characters are all very real and believable, and the plot is well written. It makes em laugh when I have been having a bad day.
So, I have been applying for a lot of non-teaching jobs lately. It's....hard. I feel like I am turning my back on teaching. One of the jobs is theatre related, so I think I wouldn't mind it too badly. The other is a great paying job at an eye doctor's office.
Is it weird that I'm terrified of getting a job in a field without teaching because I'm scared I may never go back to it. I mean, I worked at a 7-11 for a miserable years and a half because I didn't have the will to quit. I'm worried if I get this great paying job and find a good place to live where Carly can visit, that maybe I wouldn't feel the need to look for something else.
I want to teach so badly, but if I were making money and had the ability to to provide for my love, maybe I would settle.
So, I heard this great song today, and it made me smile. It's called Good Feeling by the Violent Femmes. Its great, and totally nineties which makes me smile. I really love the first three lines, which also are the last three lines:
"Won't you stay with me just a little longer It always seems like your leaving When I need you here just a little longer"
With how lonely I am here with no one to talk to, I get that feeling. A little too well.
So here I am, still jobless, still miserable. I hate the idea of finding a job that isn't a teaching position. I know that I should pack that away and find something menial because I need money, but it seems so.... unfair. I know, the world is unfair. Does that mean we should play along?
Growing up, all you are sold is work hard to grow up and do whatever you want. Never give up on your dreams. That's what I have had echoing in my head as of late.
Some times it feels as though it is all one big joke. Like I am the victim of this elaborate practical joke. I jumped through all the hoops, took the tests, gave them all the money they asked for, and now I get nothing in return. I feel so stupid for believing in anything I have been told. That after college you get a job and you can start growing up and forging your life. I mean, what else can I do to prove I am qualified to be a teacher? I've graduated from college(early), passed all the required tests, got certified in an extra area, and have thirteen years of theatre experience. What else can there be?
I feel like I am wasting away here. I spend every day doing the exactly same things. I wake up after not being able to sleep until four in the morning, I look for open jobs, then play video games and wish I had someone to spend time with. Some days it gets so very hard to go on.
I am lonely. Every day I spend the whole day waiting to get the phone call from the love of my life to tell me she is going to bed, and inevitably hear the disappointment in her voice when I have nothing to talk about. I went to visit her this last weekend, and it was wonderful to see her. I saw a lot of friends that I have missed, and unfortunately did not get to see some people I missed, like K. They all tried very hard to convince me to move back. It is a hard idea to get out of my head. I mean, I miss those people immensely and I felt better with them and her than I have at all here in Austin. However, I hate that town. I was on edge every time we went out afraid of running into any of the people there I did not want to see.
So now I spend most of my nights watching How I Met Your Mother and crying because I want a life like that. Being with the love of my life, having a job I love, having those crazy adventures we used to have. It feels like after school, I moved away and my life came to a stop and I just.... got off. And yet here I am trying to be supportive to all my friends when I feel like I have nothing together.
At what point does the Brave Adventurer with a heart full of stories become the Jester with a bag full of gags?
I love to tell stories, that's part of who I am. But when I talk about some of the crazy things that happened to me and my best friend in college, people laugh. We laugh about these things because we went through them together, and sometimes it's easier to laugh about it than deal with the full gravity of the situation. But what most people who hear those stories and have a hearty chuckle do not get is that those things were not very fun to go through. We tell stories about small little escapades and those are told to be funny. But some of those things were tough. Stories like the Halloween we went without one of our own, and how hard we tried to get him out of jail. It was horrible feeling so useless while my best friend was kept away. Knowing we couldn't even tell him how hard we were trying to get to him. Or when I got my forehead caved in during a strike. I laugh about it because I do not want to let on how much it bothers me having a dent in my skull. How painful it was, and how scared I was when I was conscious enough to know they let me finish strike and drive home with a concussion. How badly my head hurt for days after that. The story of having to pawn our microwaves during the last week we spent in the house seems to be funny. But to us, or me at least, what it reminds me of is the fact that we were starving, and no one wanted to help us. They all laughed as we talked about trying to haggle twenty dollars out of the pawn guy, but no one wanted to help us.
Maybe I am being a bit oversensitive, but it just seems that no one understands why we tell those stories. I guess you had to be there...
My girlfriend for the Halloween weekend. We had a great time, despite the fact that she sliced her finger open while we were trying to carve pumpkins. I spent the whole weekend taking care of her. I like being able to care for her. But, part of me knows that I cannot lean on her for help. I just feel like I have no one to turn to when a problem arises. I cannot turn to her because she has such a hard time dealing with her own things. I just feel like as the strong one, I cannot make a single mistake because no one is there to catch me. I love being her knight in shining armor. It's just hard sometimes to keep my head up.
Speaking of her, I seem to be the bad guy. She told me last night on a whim that she dyed a strip of her hair pink. Anyone who knows me knows I disagree with dying hair, I believe it's the way it is for a reason. I also love the fact that she loves her blonde hair, she is very proud of it. I just see it as a contradiction of what she says and does when she talks about loving her perfect blonde hair and then mars some of it. Even if it is a temporary dye, it just makes me wonder. I see her as my Rapunzel, and this just chips away at that. Well, I told her that while I love her and will support whatever she wants to do, that I did not like it. I told her I can still love her and find her beautiful while not agreeing with every decision she makes. Well this upset her and she made an upset post on her tumblr about it. This made on of her friends mad and she told me to get the fuck out. Apparently I am a bad guy for just saying I did not agree with it. This is what seems to happen. I just express my feelings and I end up the bad guy, the villain. Same problem, new girlfriend. I guess the problem is me.
I'll just keep it all to myself. Then the only one that is mad at me is me.
I feel so useless lately. I want so badly to be out on my own, earning my place in the world. I want to be something, anything. I want to teach, to have a job where I work Monday through Friday. I want to stop feeling like I am in high school again. I hate sitting around waiting for anyone to want me.
My angel came to see me this last weekend. It was so wonderful. I love spending time with her. She makes me smile so wide I think my face will explode. I love her with all my heart.
It gets so much harder to watch her leave though. Every time it gets worse, a harder pain to bare.
That's love right? When a simple "Goodbye" and "See you in three weeks" tears you apart worse than any break up you've ever been through. She said it perfectly, that it feels like when we have to part it creates this hole in your chest. I can feel it, empty and heavy. She takes my heart with her when she leaves, I am happy to let it travel with her. I keep reading and hearing that eventually this passion fades. I refuse to believe that. I can see it getting better. I do not see myself getting comfortable in this love, but cherishing it more and more over time.
I just cannot wait until she doesn't have to leave anymore. Until we are together forever. So we can run away and leave this world behind and start our own. Until then, I will keep searching for the best way to tell her where she belongs.
"I'm lying with my sweetheart, in her arms I'll be found."
So today was a pretty special day. Today was the Four month anniversary for my angel and I.
It does not seem like it has been that long, but I guess time flies when you are madly, terribly in love with the perfect woman. It is funny feeling so happy about four months when I know we will be together for many, much more important dates. Forever is a long time to be happy and in love.
I know the day was important to her as well, even if she didn't remember for most of the day. She has so much to deal with anyway.
I need a job. Because I need to move out. I want to be on my own again. Badly.
Very Badly.
For my video game playing friends, Brink is fun for about the 4 hours it takes to entirely beat the game. Maybe it'd be more fun with friends, but no one else seems to own it.
But, I have things to be happy about, so I am trying to focus on those.
