I feel so useless lately. I want so badly to be out on my own, earning my place in the world. I want to be something, anything. I want to teach, to have a job where I work Monday through Friday. I want to stop feeling like I am in high school again. I hate sitting around waiting for anyone to want me.
My angel came to see me this last weekend. It was so wonderful. I love spending time with her. She makes me smile so wide I think my face will explode. I love her with all my heart.
It gets so much harder to watch her leave though. Every time it gets worse, a harder pain to bare.
That's love right? When a simple "Goodbye" and "See you in three weeks" tears you apart worse than any break up you've ever been through. She said it perfectly, that it feels like when we have to part it creates this hole in your chest. I can feel it, empty and heavy. She takes my heart with her when she leaves, I am happy to let it travel with her. I keep reading and hearing that eventually this passion fades. I refuse to believe that. I can see it getting better. I do not see myself getting comfortable in this love, but cherishing it more and more over time.
I just cannot wait until she doesn't have to leave anymore. Until we are together forever. So we can run away and leave this world behind and start our own. Until then, I will keep searching for the best way to tell her where she belongs.
"I'm lying with my sweetheart, in her arms I'll be found."
So today was a pretty special day. Today was the Four month anniversary for my angel and I.
It does not seem like it has been that long, but I guess time flies when you are madly, terribly in love with the perfect woman. It is funny feeling so happy about four months when I know we will be together for many, much more important dates. Forever is a long time to be happy and in love.
I know the day was important to her as well, even if she didn't remember for most of the day. She has so much to deal with anyway.
I need a job. Because I need to move out. I want to be on my own again. Badly.
Very Badly.
For my video game playing friends, Brink is fun for about the 4 hours it takes to entirely beat the game. Maybe it'd be more fun with friends, but no one else seems to own it.
But, I have things to be happy about, so I am trying to focus on those.
Do you ever just feel like the world is passing you by? Maybe it is just because I feel so trapped in this prison I am living in but I feel like I can look out the window and see the world just flying by me. Like the blur of time will just flash by and my consciousness will just slow into nothingness.
I am not happy here. I got turned down from my last chance to teach this year. I feel heartbroken. How many times can my heart break before I lose the pieces?
I miss my friends. I miss seeing them. I hated San Angelo so much, but I miss everyone there. I miss Carly. I miss Kolby, even though we only had little time to hang out. I miss Lance and playing video games all day long until we get pizza or taco bell. I miss Kat and our crazy little escapades. I miss Marsh and Ira and the boys and our guy nights. I miss Art. And John. Really badly. They were my brothers. Even Johns daughter thinks we are related to him, and by extension, her. I sometimes feel so stupid for building a life and a home in such an awful place. I miss getting to blare my music in the dressing room before shows and make everyone listen to my music.
I like music. I like discovering new music. I want to be like Marco Polo and Columbus, discovering new music, even if someone else has found it first. I love songs that seem to have such a personal story to them. I really like this new band I found The Weakerthans. I am sure they are well known, but I just found them. Hearing a new song from a band I do not know feels like having a present from your love under the tree at Christmas, and when you open it and you find it's so wonderful and it's such a great feeling. They have this line in a song of theirs "I'm in love with love and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on this broken fence, between past and present tense. And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play, but it almost feels ok."
I relate to that. Maybe that's why I love music so much. As a man of words, I like finding new ways to express myself. I find these songs that make me feel like I am not the only hurting or feeling alone. I know I am not, but it's nice to hear it.
I need to see my Carly. She is my world.
I am going to keep pressing on, to help my love and find my place.
So everyday I am reminded of the things I should be thankful for.
1. My sweetheart Carly
2. See number one
I am still waiting to hear back from one last teaching job. It feels like I am more trapped than ever. I am stuck here in this tiny room, because I cannot stand to be around my family for more than three minutes. I don't feel like I should apply for a non-teaching job because I want to hold onto hope that I can get this last one. But every day that ticks by with no call from that job, I feel more like I'm standing in a hole with no way out. I feel like I am in prison, I get just enough yard time to make myself food, (Carly do not read the next part of the sentence, and no one tell her) even though I have not been eating much at all. I cannot sleep either. I am even trying now and it will not happen. I'm scared that I will have to wait yet another year to try and do what I love. It is hard enough to deal with my mind that will not stop, but I am trying to help my sweetheart get through a hard time.
She does not seem to realize that there is no shame to struggling. Isn't that why we try to reach out to people? To let them share in the knowledge we have gained without taking the same shots we did. It is hard because she has this ingrained notion that she shouldn't have to ask for help. She is so worried about others opinions of her. I don't understand it. She is so perfect, who cares what others think if she doesn't audition for a show. I know part of it is because she wants to badly, but I know that isn't it fully. So I am doing everything I can do to make sure she knows one person is proud of her no matter what. I believe in her always, but it's more than that. I have faith in her.
For a man like me, that has constantly struggled with the idea of faith, religious and not, it's kind of a big deal for me to be able to say that. I have complete faith in her. I know she can do whatever it takes to make her dreams come true. I look at her, and all I see is promise. I wish she could see it, even for a second, how much i truly see in her. Maybe she wouldn't have such a hard time understanding she isn't the first student to have a hard time and she won't be the first to pull through it and succeed. Maybe she wouldn't have such a hard time letting go of the defeat and have some confidence.
Regardless, she is my world. I cannot wait until I can make her from my princess into my Queen.
But I have so much weighing on me and not much outlet these days. I feel like I am going crazy...well, crazier. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am tired of playing video games. I want to do something with myself. Earn money, be happy, get an apartment so my angel and I can be together. I feel so much pressure and all I can do is watch it crush me. So here I am, involuntarily stuck in this Fortress of Solitude.
At least Superman could fly.
This is for my princess. She has the world's most beautiful smile.
My head has been pounding nonstop for the last three days. It hurts, badly.
I am tired of this. I am tired of things going wrong. Everytime I try to make my feelings important in any relationship, in this relationship, it fucks things up. I need to just shut up and enjoy being with her. She is my everything, all I want is her happiness. So i need to let my things go.
I haven't been sleeping much. I finally pass out around 430 or 5 every morning. I am tired.
I feel like I am slowly falling to pieces.
I also have this growing desire to smash every mirror in the apartment. I am tired of looking at myself.
I have been having a lot of trouble with my girlfriend. She recently took actions that severely hurt my feelings, and since....I have felt rather terrible.
Trust is a complicated issue with me. I give it so easily. I believe everyone has the right to be trusted. But as soon as I am given a reason to not trust, I very rarely will ever trust that person again. Innocent until proven guilty right?
Well, I feel like my trust with her has been compromised.
I cannot stand being lied to. More so when there is no reason to lie. I have spent many relationships, particularly the last few, shifting through lies. This is not something I want to do anymore. I want honesty.
I do not think that is too much to ask for.
I believe we will be ok. I love her more than life itself. But I do know it will be hard to believe her for awhile. Her promises will fall upon doubting ears, which makes me feel very bad. I feel bad thinking that she should have to prove herself again. And I feel terrible when she says she has failed me. I do not not feel like that is the case. We all make mistakes. I forgave her the second it happened. I just, have to let my feelings mend.
I will always love her.
This is a new song I have found. I love it. So much. In particular, my favorite part is the last two lines of the song.
It has been awhile. I haven't really felt like getting on here, but there are some things I need to get off my chest.
I have been feeling really down. I mean, I've been very depressed lately. Which is hard to handle. I have tons of free time on my hands since I quit my job. I have been applying for lots of teaching jobs, but I haven't heard anything positive back yet. This is such a stressful time. I am so scared of not being able to find a job for a second year in a row. It makes me feel like such a failure.
I hate that I spend so much time in my life waiting for people to give me a chance. I am waiting for these people that have never met me, that do not know what kind of person I am, to decide whether I am worth anything at all. Just like in high school, waiting to prove if I am smart enough. In college, waiting for a chance to prove I can act. Thing is, when I finally got a chance, I have never let anyone down. I hate having to wait to prove myself, to everyone.
I am also very lonely. This is probably because I have so much free time on my hands now. Also, because my sweetness came down last weekend. It was perfect. I got to spend so much time with her. We had so much fun, it was so romantic. Then, she left. I didn't know what to do to myself. I feel so lost without her.
I am upset with her right now. I know that I have been feeling so low, but it's hard when she is having such a hard time being there for me right now. She is so busy with all the things she does to keep herself occupied. I know she's trying to keep herself busy, but it's hard when I am hurting, and all I get is texts five hours apart that say "cheer up".
Also, I am hurt by how much she forgets about me and us. The other day, she forgot about the song we had talked about being our song, and what our anniversary is. Maybe I am holding her to standards that are not fair. I know that I have such a tendency to go the extra mile for everyone. But it isn't like I ask her to remember every little detail of what I say. But I think that these things are important enough to warrant a saved spot. Or tonight, when she forgot about how she asked me to promise to take her to her first midnight movie premiere a few weeks ago. Well I did, but tonight she went to see the last harry potter movie with her friends. I pointed out that I now could not keep what I promised her, and she just blew it off as no big deal. I know it's not a major thing, but it meant something to me. When I mentioned it, she just said she forgot about us making that promise. I just...sometimes it's hard to feel important.
Now, don't get me wrong. I want her to go out with her friends and have fun. I want her to do whatever will make her happy. I just...I want my feelings to mean something now and then. I know she loves me, and I love her more than anything in the world. I'm just hurting right now. I know I will get over it soon, I just wanted to let it out.
I guess times are just tough right now. I cannot honestly remember a time when they weren't. I have so much time to think that I am driving myself crazy. I think about my love, the one that hurt me, my work, my friends. It all swirls around in my head non-stop.
I guess I just need to keep going, even if it's tough.
This song has been a favorite of mine for a long time.
