It certainly does get lonely up here. I love my job and my kids, but it doesn't do much for the nights and weekends. Just lots of silence and talking to myself, which doesn't feel healthy.
I think I've made some progress on what has been bothering me lately. I miss being chased. I miss being sought after. I miss feeling like someone's day revolves around trying to get to me. I haven't had that feeling in quite some time. Not since Nicole. When we first started dating, it was four or five hour phone calls, texts bouncing back and forth all day and night, and desperate pleas to see each other. Eventually, she crushed my heart, but it felt nice mattering like that, even if it wasn't true. Now, with my current girlfriend, I'm barely even remembered, let alone sought after. She goes such long stretches caught up in her own world that she cannot even be bothered to return my messages. She even admitted she forgets about me. I miss being so special that I was never out of someone's head. Not an afterthought, a bedtime ritual, an obligation. My heart aches at the thought that I am just being left behind...again...
Recently, I feel choked by the idea that all the things I am waiting/striving for won't come true. I saw a list my girlfriend made of all he short and long term goals. Not one of them mentioned me or us. I know at least a few of mine that include her or are centered on her. I feel like its just happening all over again, that I am just fooling myself into believing things that aren't really going on, just like with Nicole. I don't want to be selfish, but I know one of my goals is be with her, and all of hers are about what she wants/needs/desires. Maybe I don't fit in there.
She's going to study abroad in London this summer. I feel like such a jerk because I don't want her to go. I know it's something she's wanted to do for a few years now, but the summer is supposed to be the time we had together where I am not working and she isn't in school. It's only a month, but that was a month that was our time that no longer is. A month she took back for her and her things again. Time that is no longer meant for sharing. She wants me to go see friends, but they aren't the ones I stay up at night missing, that I talk about so much, that I would give up so much just to be around. Part of me feels like there will always be excuses and reasons to chase after everything but time together. I wish our relationship had such a draw to it that all the other things did. A friend of ours told me she told my girlfriend that sometimes you need to compromise, but I know it didn't make a difference. Together we are so good, but apart it's just something that seems so tough to consider to her. I am out of sight, out of mind.
Am I the only one that see a future together, that tries to?
That special person is supposed to make your life perfect. To take all your hopes and dreams, and make them better. Jobs happen, trips come and go, but love, true heart pounding love, is rare. I want to do everything I can to make that matter, to save it and nourish it. Not expect it to stick around and follow whatever I want.
I see so many stories, so many movies, about love and all that people are willing to do for it. I've been watching them alone, through teary eyes and aching chest, for what seems like too long now. Maybe I expect too much out of romance. Maybe Romance isn't stories or big acts of proof. Maybe it's practical and small, maybe it isn't something you feel. Just something you say, just a title we give to someone to try and make it seem more...real than it actually can be. I've always seen myself as a romantic, but maybe that was a time when it meant something bigger.
I don't like to complain, but sometimes it just feels better to get it all off of your chest. At least here, I don't have to wait form someone to have time to listen.
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