To throw my lonely soul away

So much going on, I know I should update this more often.  That's my new goal.  Get back into better shape and update this more.

I've had a bit I just want to get off my chest.

So, my princess is in London.  Has been for two weeks now.  I know it is weird but I feel so sad with her gone.  We dont really get to talk while she is there.  We have a few exchanged facebook messages but it isn't the same.  We have spent the last two years and two months getting used to hearing each other's voice before bed.  Now with two weeks without I find I cannot sleep.  Another two sound pretty awful, but the only way out is the way through, right?

I went to Florida last week and stayed for an entire wek seeing my friends that now live there.  I got the VIP treatment at Disney World, which was amazing.  I got to see all the things I wanted to, and a few things that I got surprised by.  It really is a magical place Disney, and I don't really even like Disney that much, especially as of late.  But seeing all the sights and experiencing all the rides and things to do, I was awestruck.  I admit, I was looking forward to the Star Wars things the most.  The feeling I had when we were walking into the Star Tours for the first time (seeing as we rode it several) was unlike anything I have felt.  I am not ashamed to say I cried the first time we rode it.  It was a beautiful vindication of the 26 years I have been obsessed with this universe.  That alone was worth the trip.  Then I got to go to Miami for a few days.  Miami was a lot of fun, but people there are so mean.  But I made some new friends and got a ton of pictures so it was worth the trip.  I also got my plane delayed because of a naked bolivian man in the restroom.  So there is that...

The thing is, as much fun as I had, it felt like something was missing because my princess was not there.  She is the love of my life, she completes me, so when I go through big things, and she isn't there as well, it just seems like something is missing.  Something is just not quite right.

I have realized that through my last few relationships, I have abandonment issues.  I am terrified of being left alone, of being tossed aside, of becoming obsolete.  I find it hard to believe someone loves me when I have felt it go so wrong.  At times I think to myself that thinking like that is ridiculous and I have to stop.  Other times it seems like the only thing that makes sense, especially when you live alone.

Something else has been sitting in my head as of late.  So, my princess spends a lot of time with her parents.  This is not that strange, aside from two pieces of information.  One, they do not like me much, for reasons I do not get, and they are not very nice to me.  I know if my parents didn't adore her, and were snide and not nice to her, I would tell them not to expect me around much anymore.  I mean, they are very harsh and rough on her, and I believe cause a lot of the anxiety problems she has.  So it doesn't make sense how much she wants to be around them when she seems so bothered most of the time she does.  I do want her to be with her family and I am glad she loves them so much, don't get me wrong, I just don't understand it.  Secondly, to back to the other point, I realize that we grew up differently.  I grew up with a family that loves me, but we never spent that much time together.  We didn't do much with each other but go out to eat, we stopped going to movies and things when I was in my early teens, and we never tried to make tons of time to be around each other.  I learned very young to be independent about a lot of parts of my life. She is the opposite, she and her parents do so many things together.  They are constantly making plans and trips together, communicating with each other, and tying to be around each other.  I guess what bothers me is that she is a hair away from 21 years of age, and she is not allowed to have any real plans or trips or excursions with me.  They treat her as though she is still a pre-teen, and I do believe part of it is because she has never expressed a want for change.  I just feel like we don't have a ton fo room for growth together because they still expect her to only be a part of their family.

So as for the song I want to include this time, I have something I have been really enjoying.  An old friend of mine suggested I might like this song and I have grown to enjoy all the albums of this band.  Hope you enjoy, I have.

Until next time. I'm marching up to your gates today...

What if you?

I finally have my internet back, after six long weeks of waiting.  Not to mention a plethora of problems with various providers and companies. But it is back and I can finally feel a bit less isolated from the big bad world.

It certainly does get lonely up here.  I love my job and my kids, but it doesn't do much for the nights and weekends.  Just lots of silence and talking to myself, which doesn't feel healthy.

I think I've made some progress on what has been bothering me lately.  I miss being chased.  I miss being sought after.  I miss feeling like someone's day revolves around trying to get to me.  I haven't had that feeling in quite some time.  Not since Nicole.  When we first started dating, it was four or five hour phone calls, texts bouncing back and forth all day and night, and desperate pleas to see each other.  Eventually, she crushed my heart, but it felt nice mattering like that, even if it wasn't true. Now, with my current girlfriend, I'm barely even remembered, let alone sought after.  She goes such long stretches caught up in her own world that she cannot even be bothered to return my messages.  She even admitted she forgets about me.  I miss being so special that I was never out of someone's head.  Not an afterthought, a bedtime ritual, an obligation.  My heart aches at the thought that I am just being left behind...again...

Recently, I feel choked by the idea that all the things I am waiting/striving for won't come true.  I saw a list my girlfriend made of all he short and long term goals.  Not one of them mentioned me or us.  I know at least a few of mine that include her or are centered on her.  I feel like its just happening all over again, that I am just fooling myself into believing things that aren't really going on, just like with Nicole.  I don't want to be selfish, but I know one of my goals is be with her, and all of hers are about what she wants/needs/desires.  Maybe I don't fit in there.

She's going to study abroad in London this summer.  I feel like such a jerk because I don't want her to go.  I know it's something she's wanted to do for a few years now, but the summer is supposed to be the time we had together where I am not working and she isn't in school.  It's only a month, but that was a month that was our time that no longer is.  A month she took back for her and her things again.  Time that is no longer meant for sharing.  She wants me to go see friends, but they aren't the ones I stay up at night missing, that I talk about so much, that I would give up so much just to be around.  Part of me feels like there will always be excuses and reasons to chase after everything but time together.  I wish our relationship had such a draw to it that all the other things did.  A friend of ours told me she told my girlfriend that sometimes you need to compromise, but I know it didn't make a difference.  Together we are so good, but apart it's just something that seems so tough to consider to her.  I am out of sight, out of mind.

Am I the only one that see a future together, that tries to?

That special person is supposed to make your life perfect.  To take all your hopes and dreams, and make them better. Jobs happen, trips come and go, but love, true heart pounding love, is rare.  I want to do everything I can to make that matter, to save it and nourish it.  Not expect it to stick around and follow whatever I want.

I see so many stories, so many movies, about love and all that people are willing to do for it.  I've been watching them alone, through teary eyes and aching chest, for what seems like too long now. Maybe I expect too much out of romance.  Maybe Romance isn't stories or big acts of proof.  Maybe it's practical and small, maybe it isn't something you feel.  Just something you say, just a title we give to someone to try and make it seem more...real than it actually can be.  I've always seen myself as a romantic, but maybe that was a time when it meant something bigger.

I don't like to complain, but sometimes it just feels better to get it all off of your chest.  At least here, I don't have to wait form someone to have time to listen.

The wheel just keeps on turning

Lots of things have happened since I last wrote in here.

I am loving my teaching job!  I love my kids so much and I cannot believe how happy being here has made me.  Teaching has been so wonderful to me.  I have a ton of kids that like my classes and are super excited to take part in one act.  I've gotten to be a cheerleader co-sponsor and a band assistant.  I am just so happy getting to be here.

And sadly, thats about all I've had to be happy about lately.

Another christmas and new years come and gone.  I got to spend time with Carly before Christmas and during new years, which was nice. It was pretty cute how we got each other socks.  She also got me a nerf gun which I have enjoyed in my loneliness.

I have been spending a lot of time alone.  I work, come home, spend my time alone all night, and then repeat the next day.  I've been talking to myself....a lot.  Carly hasn't had the time to talk with me much.

Things between us have gotten strained.  I have this feeling like she's trying to not be around me.  It seems like every time I hear from her she is doing X with this person or Y with that person.  Like I am being replaced with all the people she can see because she can't see me.  I think part of it is that I am jealous because I have no one to spend time with.  And now she has enrolled at Corpus and wants to go to other places for the summer.  I remember back when she was looking at other school, I mentioned west texas a&m, which has a great theatre program, and is only an hour from me.  At the time she blew it off and said she looked and didn't really care about it.  Now that she is going to corpus, she wishes she would've looked at WT more.  I mentioned it a couple of times about how I wish she would've looked harder and gone, and she snapped at me about it.  I want her to be where ever she can be happy, but to think it could have been an hour away and now she is about 14 away.  It's just very frustrating that she is so dead focused on her and what she wants that she doesn't realize we need to plan for us, or that there even is an us that needs planning and caring.  Isn't that why we try to be with the people we love, to be special? Here lately I feel more like just another cog in her machine.  And when ever she visits she never seems satisfied with what we do. There isn't a lot around where I live now, and she always says she wishes we'd go dancing or see things she likes.  Once and awhile it'd be nice to get recognized for doing the best I can, even if it's not much.

I watched this great movie the other night on netflix.  It's called Sleepwalk With Me.  It was written and directed by one of my favorite comedians Mike Birbiglia.  The movie chronicles his fight with REM disorder, a fairly awful sleep disease, and his crumbling relationship with his girlfriend Abby. It ends up where Abby and Mike were together for over eight years purely because they didn't want to hurt each other by breaking up.  Given my last girlfriend and now what's been going on with Carly, it's a scary idea to entertain.  Wonderful movie though, really gets into the hear of human commitment and fear.

I don't know, I wish they would've told me how complicated life would be when I was in high school. It wouldn't change a thing, but at least I would have known, right?

I'm just working a job that takes up so much of me and trying to show my undying love to someone that's so far away from me and doesn't plan on being close anytime in the future. At least I've got love, no matter the miles in between.

The words she knows, the tune she hums

Things seem to be rushing by and taking their sweet time all at once.  I cannot wait to get out of here, move into my new house and my new job.  Yet, I feel like I still have a million things to take care of before I go.  So many things to set up or get paid for.  It's very overwhelming some times.

I think it stinks that I have made so many new friends while at my current job and now I have to leave them.  I know I got a job doing what I've always dreamed of, but I really like them.  I like Krystal, even though she doesn't come around too often, and Kylene and Erika and Stephanie and Kim and Mandy and Alicia and Brooke now too.  I think it sucks that I won't see them every day.

So I finished Mass Effect 3, and I have to say I do not understand why everyone got so upset about it.  I loved the ending of that game.  Having to make such a difficult choice and then watching the whole thing come down around me.  It was very powerful, and I feel like it validated the time I spent playing all three of those games.

I am afraid of moving. It's a very scary idea of moving somewhere where I do not know anybody.  Even better, the people I will be spending almost every day with at work I cannot legally be friends with.  I know I will be happy working, but coming home to an empty house every night just makes me feel... depressed.

I miss my sweetheart. It's just so hard seeing her so little.  I love her so much.

I guess this is a shorter one tonight, I am tired and ready to go to bed.

I was going to try for a song by the Young Dubliners, an irish folk/rock band. However, I am still on my Ben Folds kick and while missing my princess, I have to go with this one.

Everybody Knows It Hurts To Grow Up

SO, it has been a very long time since I have written anything here.  That is due in part to the job I have bee working as well as the rather busy state of affairs in my recent life.

First, I got a teaching job.  I feel so vindicated that all the hard work I have suffered through is finally paying off.  I got a theatre and speech position in Clarendon, Tx.  It's a bit of a turn from the big city life I have been enjoying up to now, but I have a wonderful space and a house that I will be renting.  It was a great feeling to be able to tell my mentor that I am finally able to make him proud.  For the first time in a long time I feel unstoppable.

I have been watching a lot of tv lately.  I got to catch up in Community, which if you have not, please do yourself the favor and watch it.  Its a wonderfully written show with a great cast that always finds a way to stay fresh and invigorating.

I also got to sit down and watch the first season of The Killing, which has just amazed me.  Its this gripping account of a murder in Seattle and all the people involved with the case.  What I love most is how real all of the characters are.  They all show joy, anger, frustration, and sadness in these wonderfully created arcs for each person.  None of them are drop dead gorgeous models, but they are real, true, and sometimes very creepy people.  AMC has been kicking so much TV ass of late.  I recommend a watch.

I have been increasingly frustrated with my girlfriend lately.  I just....I'm not sure what I can do for her anymore.  I try to help but it never seems to stick, whenever she says she will take my advice she ends up ignoring it.  She says she will do things but conveniently finds reason to never do any of them.  I just  do not understand what goes on with her.  She cannot seem to pass some of the classes she takes, but she has all the time to have cooking parties and make trips.

Just a few months ago, it was like pulling teeth just to bring up the idea of getting to see each other but now suddenly she's taking trips every weekend.  This weekend she is going to a wedding as a date of a friend.  I feel bad because I don't want to be the spoiler of fun by saying I wouldn't advise going, what with her having a test Monday in a class she hasn't been able to pass, so I don't know what to do.  I feel like a grinch around her sometimes, having to be the voice of reason.  I just don't like the thought of her at some wedding when she has other matters to attend to.

Also, I know she will dance her heart out at the wedding.  She and I have had the this talk before, but I do get uncomfortable with the idea of her dancing with all these strangers.  I don't believe it comes from any controlling part of me, I have no qualms with her going to eat with a male friend or spending time with one.  But I see dancing as such an intimate activity, with you being so close, touching, eyes on each other.  She loves to dance so much and will dance with any guy she can get her hands on, and the thought just makes me feel so....queasy.

Sometimes I just feel like she just expects me to always be there so a lot of attention gets turned to other things in her life.  The other day I called wanting to talk, and when she called me back after I missed her, she went on for over twenty minutes about herself and then said she had to go and left before I got a chance to say anything I wanted to.  It is hard being the strong one in a relationship because the other person starts to think you never falter or have need of them.  I just never know what to say anymore, either I am feeling like the bad guy for wanting her to focus on school or being the crutch that gets pulled out only when needed.

I just want to start teaching already.  I feel like I am good at that.

Just a Little Longer

Sick! SO SICK!!!!

But finally feeling better.  I think part of it is the medicine that I have been consuming with a rate one would use to eat candy, but also in part to my lovely princess.  She has been telling me the last day or two that she wants to take care of me and checking up on me.  So, I attribute my feeling better to her, medicine can take silver medal.

How I Met Your Mother is on netflix!!!  I am sorry, but I think this is one of the better shows that I have ever seen.  The characters are all very real and believable, and the plot is well written.  It makes em laugh when I have been having a bad day.

So, I have been applying for a lot of non-teaching jobs lately.  It's....hard.  I feel like I am turning my back on teaching.  One of the jobs is theatre related, so I think I wouldn't mind it too badly.  The other is a great paying job at an eye doctor's office.

Is it weird that I'm terrified of getting a job in a field without teaching because I'm scared I may never go back to it.  I mean, I worked at a 7-11 for a miserable years and a half because I didn't have the will to quit.  I'm worried if I get this great paying job and find a good place to live where Carly can visit, that maybe I wouldn't feel the need to look for something else.

I want to teach so badly, but if I were making money and had the ability to to provide for my love, maybe I would settle.

So, I heard this great song today, and it made me smile.  It's called Good Feeling by the Violent Femmes.  Its great, and totally nineties which makes me smile.  I really love the first three lines, which also are the last three lines:
"Won't you stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer"

With how lonely I am here with no one to talk to, I get that feeling.  A little too well.

Here's to the broken ones.

Some things just never seem to change.

So here I am, still jobless, still miserable.  I hate the idea of finding a job that isn't a teaching position.  I know that I should pack that away and find something menial because I need money, but it seems so.... unfair.  I know, the world is unfair.  Does that mean we should play along?

Growing up, all you are sold is work hard to grow up and do whatever you want.  Never give up on your dreams. That's what I have had echoing in my head as of late.  

Some times it feels as though it is all one big joke.  Like I am the victim of this elaborate practical joke.  I jumped through all the hoops, took the tests, gave them all the money they asked for, and now I get nothing in return.  I feel so stupid for believing in anything I have been told.  That after college you get a job and you can start growing up and forging your life.  I mean, what else can I do to prove I am qualified to be a teacher?  I've graduated from college(early), passed all the required tests, got certified in an extra area, and have thirteen years of theatre experience.  What else can there be?

I feel like I am wasting away here.  I spend every day doing the exactly same things.  I wake up after not being able to sleep until four in the morning, I look for open jobs, then play video games and wish I had someone to spend time with.  Some days it gets so very hard to go on.  

I am lonely.  Every day I spend the whole day waiting to get the phone call from the love of my life to tell me she is going to bed, and inevitably hear the disappointment in her voice when I have nothing to talk about.  I went to visit her this last weekend, and it was wonderful to see her.  I saw a lot of friends that I have missed, and unfortunately did not get to see some people I missed, like K.  They all tried very hard to convince me to move back.  It is a hard idea to get out of my head.  I mean, I miss those people immensely and I felt better with them and her than I have at all here in Austin.  However, I hate that town.  I was on edge every time we went out afraid of running into any of the people there I did not want to see.

So now I spend most of my nights watching How I Met Your Mother and crying because I want a life like that.  Being with the love of my life, having a job I love, having those crazy adventures we used to have.  It feels like after school, I moved away and my life came to a stop and I just.... got off. And yet here I am trying to be supportive to all my friends when I feel like I have nothing together.  

Here's to the broken ones.