Love

It is a sensitive topic for a lot of people.

It is what drives us to live, what commands our hearts to beat, and what makes us feel whole.  The beatles told us that all you need is love, and that we shouldnt care too much for money because money cant buy us love.

However, it can also hurt us.

It is the reason we cry all night long, jump through rings of abuse, and tear our hearts out.  I learned from John Cale (or Leonard Cohen for you purists) that love is not a victory march, but a cold and a broken hallelujah.  He also said that the only thing he ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew him.

Lately in my life I've been siding with the latter point of view.

All my life I've identified myself as an idealistic cynic.  By that I mean that I love to dream big, but I know dreams dont ever really come true.

But I have always tried to believe in love, no matter what.  I used to believe love could move mountains and conquer armies.  But recently its been hard to keep my head up about the subject.

Looking back, nothing leading up to where I am today has ever gone right.  Everytime I fall in love, it seems to always be a reason it cant work.  I always screw up somehow, I dont do enough, Im not good enough.

Whether she is going to school in Paris, or pushing my towards her goals in life, or lying to me for ten months, or she only seems to want me when im taken but not when im single, or has a boyfriend that treats her so terribly.  Yet I always feel at fault.

Is that really love? Constantly feeling sorry, or like you're to blame? Like you are never good enough no matter how hard you try?

I hope not.

But hope is something we use to shield ourselves from the truth.  Just like wishes, they let us escape, but never seem to deliver.  Maybe thats just me being cynical again, but just once I'd love for a dream or a wish or hope to come true.

Or just to fall in love and know they could possibly love me back.

Maybe it was a mistake to tell her how I feel.  I've made enough in my lifetime.  But I've gone all my life watching opprotunities slip away, letting feelings go unsaid.  I'd rather hurt and have her know.

Who knows?

Maybe she'll figure out that she desevres to be treated amazingly and she'll give me a chance.  Or maybe she'll never speak to me again.  All I know is I care about her and only want whatever is best for her.  Even if it means I have to hurt one more time.

This is the John Cale song.  Beautiful.

this song reminds me of her.

this song is one my heart sings.