Who I Am

I know this is the first post in a long while, I have been busy trying to keep my life together.

So, I have been asking myself this question a lot lately.

Who Am I?

I think we all ask this of ourselves from time to time, but I have been lost more of my self identity lately.

I am a very lonely person.  I don't mean lonely like seeing someone, but just....I am alone so much.  I hate that lately when talking to friends and I mention being lonely and they give me the same tired speech about being without someone.  I do not need to be in a relationship.  I understand that there are plenty of people out there for me to meet.  However, I do miss the companionship.  I miss being the special someone.  I miss feeling special.  All my life I have felt alone.  My family and I weren't close, I didn't have many friends, so I understand that I crave someone to talk to sometimes.   I miss meaning more than anything to someone.  I miss feeling special and unique. She used to say it to me and like a fool I believed it.  I think you miss something more after you've had it when you thought it would never feel better.

On that subject, I am broken.  It has been three months and I am still reeling.  I feel as though a part of me will never return.  I have been hurt before, but never like this.  I have been up until about 3 in the morning every night lying on the floor of my bathroom sobbing.  After three months I am exhausted.  Every time i feel like I am getting better, something comes along to remind me of how much I miss.  I do not know what to do.  I am afraid to sleep because I have this recurring dream where I am attending my own funeral.  Everyone I love is there, and they are reading the note I have left behind after killing myself.  It's surreal and frightening.

I am intelligent.  I used to be afraid to admit that.  There were times in school when I was younger that I would almost try to do poorly in classes to feel normal.  I have been in accelerated learning classes since the second grade.  But now, I am proud of my intellect.  I graduated college early, I am certified to teach.  I cannot see a limit to how much more I want to learn.  I guess the only downside is that I sometimes sound too snobby.  I have had people tell me I make them feel dumb.  I hate that.  I do not like lording anything over anyone.  I am sorry to whomever I have hurt like that.

I am not handsome.  I have accepted that I am not good looking like I wish I was.  As an actor that was one of my biggest setbacks.

I am a good friend.  I pride myself on being there for the ones I love.

I share too much.  But I never share about the things that really matter.

I am flawed. I make mistakes very often.  But I always try to apologize and fix it.

I know this is not completely who I am, but it has been interesting trying to answer that question about myself.

Maybe one day I will get it right...

I love this song.

This has been repeating in my head over and over.