Who I Am

I know this is the first post in a long while, I have been busy trying to keep my life together.

So, I have been asking myself this question a lot lately.

Who Am I?

I think we all ask this of ourselves from time to time, but I have been lost more of my self identity lately.

I am a very lonely person.  I don't mean lonely like seeing someone, but just....I am alone so much.  I hate that lately when talking to friends and I mention being lonely and they give me the same tired speech about being without someone.  I do not need to be in a relationship.  I understand that there are plenty of people out there for me to meet.  However, I do miss the companionship.  I miss being the special someone.  I miss feeling special.  All my life I have felt alone.  My family and I weren't close, I didn't have many friends, so I understand that I crave someone to talk to sometimes.   I miss meaning more than anything to someone.  I miss feeling special and unique. She used to say it to me and like a fool I believed it.  I think you miss something more after you've had it when you thought it would never feel better.

On that subject, I am broken.  It has been three months and I am still reeling.  I feel as though a part of me will never return.  I have been hurt before, but never like this.  I have been up until about 3 in the morning every night lying on the floor of my bathroom sobbing.  After three months I am exhausted.  Every time i feel like I am getting better, something comes along to remind me of how much I miss.  I do not know what to do.  I am afraid to sleep because I have this recurring dream where I am attending my own funeral.  Everyone I love is there, and they are reading the note I have left behind after killing myself.  It's surreal and frightening.

I am intelligent.  I used to be afraid to admit that.  There were times in school when I was younger that I would almost try to do poorly in classes to feel normal.  I have been in accelerated learning classes since the second grade.  But now, I am proud of my intellect.  I graduated college early, I am certified to teach.  I cannot see a limit to how much more I want to learn.  I guess the only downside is that I sometimes sound too snobby.  I have had people tell me I make them feel dumb.  I hate that.  I do not like lording anything over anyone.  I am sorry to whomever I have hurt like that.

I am not handsome.  I have accepted that I am not good looking like I wish I was.  As an actor that was one of my biggest setbacks.

I am a good friend.  I pride myself on being there for the ones I love.

I share too much.  But I never share about the things that really matter.

I am flawed. I make mistakes very often.  But I always try to apologize and fix it.

I know this is not completely who I am, but it has been interesting trying to answer that question about myself.

Maybe one day I will get it right...

I love this song.

This has been repeating in my head over and over.

The People Around Us

So I recently, I guess, I went through what I would call the loss of a friend.  It's always a sad moment in our lives when we lose friends, for whatever the reason.  However, I don't believe it should be this painful.  Sometimes friends move, or start to pursue interests that do not reflect your own, and you grow apart.  Maybe through the fault of no one, but you both get busy and forget to catch up.  I admit I am terrible about calling people back when they try to stay in touch.  Not maliciously, or course, but I get so focused on what is here in front of me, I forget to reach out to meet the ones I love.

But this time, it was painful.  I was told by a friend that we could no longer be friends anymore.  What I guess makes it worse is the fact that the reasoning behind this was that her boyfriend demanded it.  He said I was tearing them apart.  I wish I saw how, but I do not understand at all.  We were friends, yet that was unacceptable.  The only reason we had been talking so much lately is because she was trying to be there for me after a devastating break up.  Maybe it is just me, but that seems like a terrible way to try to steal someones girlfriend, rambling to them incoherently through the tears about how I'm horribly in love with someone else.

Jealousy makes us do terrible things.  I know that.  It never goes away though, no matter how hard we try to make it.

I guess it just hurts being told that they don't want to be there for you anymore.  To know that the connection you had means nothing now.  Especially being accused of trying to foul up a relationship when all I wanted, needed, was a friend to talk to.

It all comes down to what we are willing to do for others.  I know my perspective is skewn and biased because I am very selfless minded.  Not that I'm saying I have some good trait, I've just never cared about myself, but I've always cared about others.  I have had significant others that have told me not to be friends with certain people.  I told them if they could not accept me for how I am, always willing to be there for someone in need, then they could get over it.  Sometimes all someone, including myself, needs is just someone to talk to.  I refuse to let someone hurt alone because it is asked of me.

I do not want to sound whiney.  I understand why she did it.  Hell, I respect her for standing up for what she believes in.  Defending love is a noble cause, and I would never ask it sacrificed for anything.  I just wish it didn't involve losing someone I cared about.

Maybe I'm just trouble.  Everyone I try to involve in my life ends up getting hurt hurt.  I don't blame anyone that pushes me away.

For now, I'll just keep talking to the darkness.

Even if there's one less ear to listen.

I keep hearing this song directed at me.