Lonesome Just Like Me

So, I've been spending a lot of my time alone lately, which is incredibly hard for me to handle.  I'm a social person, I hate being alone.  Now, I do not mean that in a dating/relationship way, I just don't like being physically alone.  But for the last few nights, I've done nothing but sit by myself.

I feel like my friends are always busy.  I just want someone to go out of their way for me.  Maybe that's selfish, but every once and awhile I think I'm allowed to be.  Things have been tough, and we are all busy these days, but no one seems to want to make time for me.

On a semi-related note, I feel like the techno-centric society we live in today makes it incredibly easy for people to be so impersonal.  We are all incredibly connected, through facebook, twitter, e-mail, text, and cellphones in general.  And yet it seems to much harder to get a hold of anyone these days.  It's so easy for people to ignore others now.  To say that you didn't get a text, or didn't see that message just because you don't want to talk to someone.  It takes all the responsibility out of taking actions.

I made the mistake recently of telling a friend that I wanted to take her on a date.  Now, neither of us are really ready for anything serious.  I'm still reeling over my personal hurt, and she is handling hers well but it wasn't too long ago she became available, same for me as well.  But, me being the moron I am, I said sometime I'd like to take her out.  Well, now she hasn't answered me when I've been trying to talk to her.  Maybe she's been busy or not getting them, but I feel like I've messed up.  I text her the other night to see if she wanted to hang out, and I'm afraid she thinks I'm trying to move this ahead.  Truth is, I miss her as a friend.  And with how lonely I've been, I just wanted someone to talk to.  A friend to lean on.  But who knows?

Maybe it's just the loneliness talking.

Love is a gamble, roll the dice or lose your turn.

To quote the excellent Jackie Greene "I've got me a worried mind, gonna find me a worried kind of girl, who's lonesome just like me."

Struggles

So, this has been a very strange week.

I feel like I'm finally starting to move forward through this very immense pain that I've been stuck in.  It still hurts like no ones business, but I don't feel paralyzed anymore.  I know that from this I can learn a lot about myself and try to utilize it in the future.  I wish I didn't have to go through this terrible experience to understand myself a bit better, but then again we never truly go through anything the way we wish we did.

I have something I'd like to get off my chest.  I struggle with depression.

To most, this is a sad statement.  To me, I love the word struggle.  It means I'm fighting it.   It means I refuse to let it control me.  Yes, some days it hits harder than others.  However, I will not bow to it.  A lot of people want me to seek help, medicine and that kind of thing.  I don't believe in it.  I refuse there's some magic fix, some simple problem.  I will face this one day at a time.  I am a warrior, I will fight it until it is gone.  I just hope I have people in my life to support me along the way.

So, from every loss in your life comes new opportunity.  I've noticed this from talking to people close to me this week.

I am strong.  I am alive.  Someone will accept me for who I am, not who they want me to be.

The things we long for, everything but me

What makes us want what we want?  Are we programmed to like things from birth, or do we develop these needs from life experience?  Time and time again, I find myself longing for what I had, and driving myself crazy over what I want.  JUst like the Stones said, You cant always get what you want.  But do we get what we need?  I don't know.  It doesnt feel like it sometimes.  But really, what do I need?

What do I want?

Someone to talk to.  People to turn to when I fall.  Something to be proud of.  I've never been proud of myself.  I've always relied on others to validate me for myself.  I do everything in my life for others.  I pushed myself as a student to make my friends and loved ones proud.  I pushed myself as an actor to make my mentor and fellow students proud.  I pushed myself as a director to make my actors and someone proud.  I fought so hard as a teacher to make my students and my advisor proud.  But why cannot I do it for me?

But is that wrong?  Thats who I am.  I live for others.  My heart lives to make others happy.  Thats how I find my happiness.  Why can't the world accept me for what I am?  I carrying every pain I've ever felt with me at all times.  I can feel the weight crushing down on me.  I am a sad person, but that doesn't mean I dont feel love and happiness.  If I am cut, I do bleed.  I use that pain, i use it to drive me forward to be there for others.  That is what I have chosen.  Can't anybody love me for that?  For being selfless?

Maybe that means i dont deserve love....

Maybe I dont deserve anything i want or need....

Maybe...Maybe not...

Perfect: Easier With Numbers

The days seem to be slipping by leaving me behind....

So I was thinking about perfect numbers the other night.  A perfect number is a number that is equal to half of the sum of all its multiples.  The smallest perfect number is 6.  For clarification:

6 = (1+2+3+6)/2

Or, in English, the multiples of 6 are 1,2,3, and 6.  Add them all up, and you get 12, which is twice as much as 6.  This made me think, what defines the search of perfection for people?  Does the same definition fit?  If so, does that mean that to be perfect, we have to achieve 200% of what we are made of?  Maybe that is why I've never been close, no matter how hard I've pushed myself.  I cannot equal that.  With numbers, it is so easy, so simple, just define a number, and it's multiples, and then add.  With people, with me, it's hard.  What compromises me?  Do we add up my love of helping others, my hatred of myself, and my inability to recognize what i have to give the world?  That seems to be so insurmountable, pushing myself to be twice of what I already work so hard to be.

Maybe I'll just give up.  That's what people do with math homework when it doesn't make sense.

Also, I'd like to talk about symbols.  Everyone has a certain symbol they identify with more than anything else.  Mine is the Phoenix.

But, have you ever stopped and wondered why we attach ourselves to these symbols?  For me, it means never having to surrender.  A Phoenix never truly dies, whenever it fails, it gets a second chance to make things right.  I always push myself so hard that I'm terrified of failing.  But if I'm a Phoenix, I always get another chance.  I am born of fire to fight with all my heart.

Just a thought, even though I have too many.

This song has been stuck in my head

The beginning of the end

So I have decided to join the ranks of those who blog.

Have you ever looked up at the moon and wondered if anyone was looking at it too?  Maybe I have too much time on my hands but earlier I was standing outside watching the moon and just wondering how many people were looking up at it as well.  Loneliness will drive us to think crazy things sometimes....

Ive been thinking about death a lot lately.  More specifically, my own.  But i feel very desensitized towards it lately.  I was watching Skins, a wonderful British show, and one of the characters father died.  And me?  I laughed.  It didn't bother me one bit.  It isn't death that scares me, but recidivism.  The idea of going back to what I was, what I've been.

As for those of you who will read this, mostly my friends that have blogs, I'm sure you are wondering what the title of my blog means.  Nikolai Gogol was a Russian author that wrote one of my favorite stories, Diary of a Madman.  Seeing as how this is going to be an outlet for my insane rantings, I figured the reference was appropriate.

I guess that's all for now.  Here's what I'm feeling right now: