Sunday, November 10, 2013

Plays and Lonely Days

Well, so much for updating this more often.  Isn't the old saying if you want to make god laugh, make a plan?

Well I have been so super busy.  We have our fall production next weekend, so I have been working like crazy.  I am so proud of my kids. They have been working so incredibly hard.  Putting in long hours, on crazy days, and dealing with multiple problems like people not showing up for various reasons.  I will be glad to have some time back to myself though.

It does kind of sting that no one is coming to see my show.  Parents, girlfriend, or friends.  Its hard being so far out here, no one really wants to make the effort to come support me.

So if you are not watching Sleepy Hollow, you are an idiot.  It is easily one of the best shows on television right now.  The story is amazing, the characters are appealing, and it holds suspense in a very interesting way.  Fox is nailing it right now.  Sleepy Hollow and Brooklyn 99.  Hilarious and great.

Last weekend I got to see my dear friends Molly and Marshall get married.  The wedding was so beautiful and they are so in love it inspires me.  My ex was there, the one that really messed me up.  Even though I had my princess there with me, it sucked to see her and some guy there.  I just always wanted to think of her alone and miserable.  But the wedding was great, I got to dance with the bride and her mom made a big deal of me being there.  I loved it.

So tired, this one will be short.

It's hard to be strong when I am so alone.  Every now and then, I would love to have someone take care of me.

I am the hero of this story.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I've been waiting

So I am not being as apt at keeping this updated as I like, but I feel it is more frequent than I admit things to myself.  So yay.....

Holy crap have I been tired lately.  I don't think I've had a good night of sleep in over a month.  Even with all the work I have been doing, or the early morning workshops I have been going to, or even helping friends move and get things done.  I think partly it has been because I haven't heard my princess' voice in that span of time.  However, I also think it is because I have been worrying about a lot of things lately.

First, I have been really worried about money lately.  My family doesn't have very good money skills.  I have had to make some adjustments to help with money.  I don't make a lot of money as it is, and my expenses keep piling up.  Between living, student loans, family, fun, and planning a future with someone, I have so many obligations.  It is so hard to feel calm about it.

Also, I have been worrying a lot about if I expect too much out of my relationship.  I am a little frustrated at the moment because she got back from England yesterday, and all I have gotten is a single text message.  I know there are a lot of reasons why she hasn't talked to me (her phone isn't working, her parents won't let her, she doesn't want to), but it's hard not to worry something worse.  I don't know, it's just hard not to worry that she just hasn't even thought about it. That she has better things to do than talk to her boyfriend for the first time in a month.  I know that probably (hopefully) isn't the case, but its hard not to go there.  I am terrified she will decide I'm not worth it anymore.

Lastly, I guess, is that I am worrying more and more about the future.  I am scared about what will happen in the next few years.  My princess should graduate, and we have been talking about what's going to happen with us.  We are going to be together, but I am scared it may not go the way I want to. I am excited to start my future and a family eventually and, as lame as it sounds, have those moments you see in movies or on hallmark/jewelry commercials.

This is a really great song.

I've been waiting for this moment all my life, but it's not quite right.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Would you please remind me?

So it is a new update without there being months in between!  Huzzah!

So, I met some friends tonight and we saw Despicable Me 2.  I liked the movie, but I do not believe it was better than the first.  It played a little too much to the zaniness of the minions (which were the best part of the movie).  They make them act so weird and this time it seems to get a reaction instead of how they just are.  However, the "I swear" moment was so incredibly funny.  I think I would have liked it better with my princess there.  It had a sweet and cute love story and if I could have held her hand and gushed I might have appreciated it more.

I got to talk to her today.  Not actually talk to her, but exchange messages.  But it was rather rapid which is what made it different.  Normally its me leaving her a long message that she responds to three or four days later when she finds the time to check.  It was nice.  Just to know for a brief few minutes we were trying at the same time.  Co-existing in some way together.

I know many people don't read this, and for the most part that's ok, it's for me most of all.  But I feel like asking some questions of a rhetorical nature.  Ever notice how the things you get so nostalgic for never seem to live up to the idea you have of them?  I was cruising around on Spotify and I got a craving to listen to Everclear.  I pulled up my favorite album and it just  I mean those songs got me through such a tough time in high school and yet now they seem, changed.  Better to leave the past as such in your mind, I guess there's a lesson to be learned in that.

It's hard to say goodbye though.  Especially if you never got to say goodbye really.  Not just to people, but to times as well.  It seems like I blinked and suddenly I have responsibilities and adult problems that young me just laughed at.  I think college jaded me to the fact that my life is not a movie.  In school, if I was down, inevitably someone would walk up and tell me they were looking for me and I would slowly open up and talk about my problems.  But now, I could have the worst day ever, sitting on the ramp of my loading dock at the school, and no one ever shows up.  It's just...loneliness.  Being alone.

I hate being alone.

I heard this song on pandora and it seemed very fitting for what I was feeling at the time.  What I've been feeling for weeks.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

To throw my lonely soul away

So much going on, I know I should update this more often.  That's my new goal.  Get back into better shape and update this more.

I've had a bit I just want to get off my chest.

So, my princess is in London.  Has been for two weeks now.  I know it is weird but I feel so sad with her gone.  We dont really get to talk while she is there.  We have a few exchanged facebook messages but it isn't the same.  We have spent the last two years and two months getting used to hearing each other's voice before bed.  Now with two weeks without I find I cannot sleep.  Another two sound pretty awful, but the only way out is the way through, right?

I went to Florida last week and stayed for an entire wek seeing my friends that now live there.  I got the VIP treatment at Disney World, which was amazing.  I got to see all the things I wanted to, and a few things that I got surprised by.  It really is a magical place Disney, and I don't really even like Disney that much, especially as of late.  But seeing all the sights and experiencing all the rides and things to do, I was awestruck.  I admit, I was looking forward to the Star Wars things the most.  The feeling I had when we were walking into the Star Tours for the first time (seeing as we rode it several) was unlike anything I have felt.  I am not ashamed to say I cried the first time we rode it.  It was a beautiful vindication of the 26 years I have been obsessed with this universe.  That alone was worth the trip.  Then I got to go to Miami for a few days.  Miami was a lot of fun, but people there are so mean.  But I made some new friends and got a ton of pictures so it was worth the trip.  I also got my plane delayed because of a naked bolivian man in the restroom.  So there is that...

The thing is, as much fun as I had, it felt like something was missing because my princess was not there.  She is the love of my life, she completes me, so when I go through big things, and she isn't there as well, it just seems like something is missing.  Something is just not quite right.

I have realized that through my last few relationships, I have abandonment issues.  I am terrified of being left alone, of being tossed aside, of becoming obsolete.  I find it hard to believe someone loves me when I have felt it go so wrong.  At times I think to myself that thinking like that is ridiculous and I have to stop.  Other times it seems like the only thing that makes sense, especially when you live alone.

Something else has been sitting in my head as of late.  So, my princess spends a lot of time with her parents.  This is not that strange, aside from two pieces of information.  One, they do not like me much, for reasons I do not get, and they are not very nice to me.  I know if my parents didn't adore her, and were snide and not nice to her, I would tell them not to expect me around much anymore.  I mean, they are very harsh and rough on her, and I believe cause a lot of the anxiety problems she has.  So it doesn't make sense how much she wants to be around them when she seems so bothered most of the time she does.  I do want her to be with her family and I am glad she loves them so much, don't get me wrong, I just don't understand it.  Secondly, to back to the other point, I realize that we grew up differently.  I grew up with a family that loves me, but we never spent that much time together.  We didn't do much with each other but go out to eat, we stopped going to movies and things when I was in my early teens, and we never tried to make tons of time to be around each other.  I learned very young to be independent about a lot of parts of my life. She is the opposite, she and her parents do so many things together.  They are constantly making plans and trips together, communicating with each other, and tying to be around each other.  I guess what bothers me is that she is a hair away from 21 years of age, and she is not allowed to have any real plans or trips or excursions with me.  They treat her as though she is still a pre-teen, and I do believe part of it is because she has never expressed a want for change.  I just feel like we don't have a ton fo room for growth together because they still expect her to only be a part of their family.

So as for the song I want to include this time, I have something I have been really enjoying.  An old friend of mine suggested I might like this song and I have grown to enjoy all the albums of this band.  Hope you enjoy, I have.

Until next time. I'm marching up to your gates today...

Sunday, April 7, 2013

What if you?

I finally have my internet back, after six long weeks of waiting.  Not to mention a plethora of problems with various providers and companies. But it is back and I can finally feel a bit less isolated from the big bad world.

It certainly does get lonely up here.  I love my job and my kids, but it doesn't do much for the nights and weekends.  Just lots of silence and talking to myself, which doesn't feel healthy.

I think I've made some progress on what has been bothering me lately.  I miss being chased.  I miss being sought after.  I miss feeling like someone's day revolves around trying to get to me.  I haven't had that feeling in quite some time.  Not since Nicole.  When we first started dating, it was four or five hour phone calls, texts bouncing back and forth all day and night, and desperate pleas to see each other.  Eventually, she crushed my heart, but it felt nice mattering like that, even if it wasn't true. Now, with my current girlfriend, I'm barely even remembered, let alone sought after.  She goes such long stretches caught up in her own world that she cannot even be bothered to return my messages.  She even admitted she forgets about me.  I miss being so special that I was never out of someone's head.  Not an afterthought, a bedtime ritual, an obligation.  My heart aches at the thought that I am just being left behind...again...

Recently, I feel choked by the idea that all the things I am waiting/striving for won't come true.  I saw a list my girlfriend made of all he short and long term goals.  Not one of them mentioned me or us.  I know at least a few of mine that include her or are centered on her.  I feel like its just happening all over again, that I am just fooling myself into believing things that aren't really going on, just like with Nicole.  I don't want to be selfish, but I know one of my goals is be with her, and all of hers are about what she wants/needs/desires.  Maybe I don't fit in there.

She's going to study abroad in London this summer.  I feel like such a jerk because I don't want her to go.  I know it's something she's wanted to do for a few years now, but the summer is supposed to be the time we had together where I am not working and she isn't in school.  It's only a month, but that was a month that was our time that no longer is.  A month she took back for her and her things again.  Time that is no longer meant for sharing.  She wants me to go see friends, but they aren't the ones I stay up at night missing, that I talk about so much, that I would give up so much just to be around.  Part of me feels like there will always be excuses and reasons to chase after everything but time together.  I wish our relationship had such a draw to it that all the other things did.  A friend of ours told me she told my girlfriend that sometimes you need to compromise, but I know it didn't make a difference.  Together we are so good, but apart it's just something that seems so tough to consider to her.  I am out of sight, out of mind.

Am I the only one that see a future together, that tries to?

That special person is supposed to make your life perfect.  To take all your hopes and dreams, and make them better. Jobs happen, trips come and go, but love, true heart pounding love, is rare.  I want to do everything I can to make that matter, to save it and nourish it.  Not expect it to stick around and follow whatever I want.

I see so many stories, so many movies, about love and all that people are willing to do for it.  I've been watching them alone, through teary eyes and aching chest, for what seems like too long now. Maybe I expect too much out of romance.  Maybe Romance isn't stories or big acts of proof.  Maybe it's practical and small, maybe it isn't something you feel.  Just something you say, just a title we give to someone to try and make it seem more...real than it actually can be.  I've always seen myself as a romantic, but maybe that was a time when it meant something bigger.

I don't like to complain, but sometimes it just feels better to get it all off of your chest.  At least here, I don't have to wait form someone to have time to listen.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The wheel just keeps on turning

Lots of things have happened since I last wrote in here.

I am loving my teaching job!  I love my kids so much and I cannot believe how happy being here has made me.  Teaching has been so wonderful to me.  I have a ton of kids that like my classes and are super excited to take part in one act.  I've gotten to be a cheerleader co-sponsor and a band assistant.  I am just so happy getting to be here.

And sadly, thats about all I've had to be happy about lately.

Another christmas and new years come and gone.  I got to spend time with Carly before Christmas and during new years, which was nice. It was pretty cute how we got each other socks.  She also got me a nerf gun which I have enjoyed in my loneliness.

I have been spending a lot of time alone.  I work, come home, spend my time alone all night, and then repeat the next day.  I've been talking to myself....a lot.  Carly hasn't had the time to talk with me much.

Things between us have gotten strained.  I have this feeling like she's trying to not be around me.  It seems like every time I hear from her she is doing X with this person or Y with that person.  Like I am being replaced with all the people she can see because she can't see me.  I think part of it is that I am jealous because I have no one to spend time with.  And now she has enrolled at Corpus and wants to go to other places for the summer.  I remember back when she was looking at other school, I mentioned west texas a&m, which has a great theatre program, and is only an hour from me.  At the time she blew it off and said she looked and didn't really care about it.  Now that she is going to corpus, she wishes she would've looked at WT more.  I mentioned it a couple of times about how I wish she would've looked harder and gone, and she snapped at me about it.  I want her to be where ever she can be happy, but to think it could have been an hour away and now she is about 14 away.  It's just very frustrating that she is so dead focused on her and what she wants that she doesn't realize we need to plan for us, or that there even is an us that needs planning and caring.  Isn't that why we try to be with the people we love, to be special? Here lately I feel more like just another cog in her machine.  And when ever she visits she never seems satisfied with what we do. There isn't a lot around where I live now, and she always says she wishes we'd go dancing or see things she likes.  Once and awhile it'd be nice to get recognized for doing the best I can, even if it's not much.

I watched this great movie the other night on netflix.  It's called Sleepwalk With Me.  It was written and directed by one of my favorite comedians Mike Birbiglia.  The movie chronicles his fight with REM disorder, a fairly awful sleep disease, and his crumbling relationship with his girlfriend Abby. It ends up where Abby and Mike were together for over eight years purely because they didn't want to hurt each other by breaking up.  Given my last girlfriend and now what's been going on with Carly, it's a scary idea to entertain.  Wonderful movie though, really gets into the hear of human commitment and fear.

I don't know, I wish they would've told me how complicated life would be when I was in high school. It wouldn't change a thing, but at least I would have known, right?

I'm just working a job that takes up so much of me and trying to show my undying love to someone that's so far away from me and doesn't plan on being close anytime in the future. At least I've got love, no matter the miles in between.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The words she knows, the tune she hums

Things seem to be rushing by and taking their sweet time all at once.  I cannot wait to get out of here, move into my new house and my new job.  Yet, I feel like I still have a million things to take care of before I go.  So many things to set up or get paid for.  It's very overwhelming some times.

I think it stinks that I have made so many new friends while at my current job and now I have to leave them.  I know I got a job doing what I've always dreamed of, but I really like them.  I like Krystal, even though she doesn't come around too often, and Kylene and Erika and Stephanie and Kim and Mandy and Alicia and Brooke now too.  I think it sucks that I won't see them every day.

So I finished Mass Effect 3, and I have to say I do not understand why everyone got so upset about it.  I loved the ending of that game.  Having to make such a difficult choice and then watching the whole thing come down around me.  It was very powerful, and I feel like it validated the time I spent playing all three of those games.

I am afraid of moving. It's a very scary idea of moving somewhere where I do not know anybody.  Even better, the people I will be spending almost every day with at work I cannot legally be friends with.  I know I will be happy working, but coming home to an empty house every night just makes me feel... depressed.

I miss my sweetheart. It's just so hard seeing her so little.  I love her so much.

I guess this is a shorter one tonight, I am tired and ready to go to bed.

I was going to try for a song by the Young Dubliners, an irish folk/rock band. However, I am still on my Ben Folds kick and while missing my princess, I have to go with this one.