The Fortress of Solitude

So everyday I am reminded of the things I should be thankful for.

1. My sweetheart Carly
2. See number one

I am still waiting to hear back from one last teaching job.  It feels like I am more trapped than ever.  I am stuck here in this tiny room, because I cannot stand to be around my family for more than three minutes.  I don't feel like I should apply for a non-teaching job because I want to hold onto hope that I can get this last one.  But every day that ticks by with no call from that job, I feel more like I'm standing in a hole with no way out.  I feel like I am in prison, I get just enough yard time to make myself food, (Carly do not read the next part of the sentence, and no one tell her) even though I have not been eating much at all.  I cannot sleep either.  I am even trying now and it will not happen.  I'm scared that I will have to wait yet another year to try and do what I love.  It is hard enough to deal with my mind that will not stop, but I am trying to help my sweetheart get through a hard time.

She does not seem to realize that there is no shame to struggling.  Isn't that why we try to reach out to people? To let them share in the knowledge we have gained without taking the same shots we did.  It is hard because she has this ingrained notion that she shouldn't have to ask for help.  She is so worried about others opinions of her.  I don't understand it.  She is so perfect, who cares what others think if she doesn't audition for a show.  I know part of it is because she wants to badly, but I know that isn't it fully.  So I am doing everything I can do to make sure she knows one person is proud of her no matter what.  I believe in her always, but it's more than that.  I have faith in her.

For a man like me, that has constantly struggled with the idea of faith, religious and not, it's kind of a big deal for me to be able to say that.  I have complete faith in her.  I know she can do whatever it takes to make her dreams come true.  I look at her, and all I see is promise.  I wish she could see it, even for a second, how much i truly see in her.  Maybe she wouldn't have such a hard time understanding she isn't the first student to have a hard time and she won't be the first to pull through it and succeed.  Maybe she wouldn't have such a hard time letting go of the defeat and have some confidence.

Regardless, she is my world.  I cannot wait until I can make her from my princess into my Queen.

But I have so much weighing on me and not much outlet these days.  I feel like I am going crazy...well, crazier.  I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am tired of playing video games.  I want to do something with myself.  Earn money, be happy, get an apartment so my angel and I can be together.  I feel so much pressure and all I can do is watch it crush me.  So here I am, involuntarily stuck in this Fortress of Solitude.

At least Superman could fly.

This is for my princess.  She has the world's most beautiful smile.