So much better than I used to be

Do you ever just feel like the world is passing you by?  Maybe it is just because I feel so trapped in this prison I am living in but I feel like I can look out the window and see the world just flying by me.  Like the blur of time will just flash by and my consciousness will just slow into nothingness.

I am not happy here.  I got turned down from my last chance to teach this year.  I feel heartbroken.  How many times can my heart break before I lose the pieces?

I miss my friends.  I miss seeing them.  I hated San Angelo so much, but I miss everyone there.  I miss Carly.  I miss Kolby, even though we only had little time to hang out.  I miss Lance and playing video games all day long until we get pizza or taco bell.  I miss Kat and our crazy little escapades.  I miss Marsh and Ira and the boys and our guy nights.  I miss Art.  And John.  Really badly.  They were my brothers.  Even Johns daughter thinks we are related to him, and by extension, her.  I sometimes feel so stupid for building a life and a home in such an awful place.  I miss getting to blare my music in the dressing room before shows and make everyone listen to my music.

I like music.  I like discovering new music.  I want to be like Marco Polo and Columbus, discovering new music, even if someone else has found it first.  I love songs that seem to have such a personal story to them.  I really like this new band I found The Weakerthans.  I am sure they are well known, but I just found them.  Hearing a new song from a band I do not know feels like having a present from your love under the tree at Christmas, and when you open it and you find it's so wonderful and it's such a great feeling.  They have this line in a song of theirs "I'm in love with love and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on this broken fence, between past and present tense. And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play, but it almost feels ok."

I relate to that.  Maybe that's why I love music so much.  As a man of words, I like finding new ways to express myself.  I find these songs that make me feel like I am not the only hurting or feeling alone.  I know I am not, but it's nice to hear it.

I need to see my Carly.  She is my world.

I am going to keep pressing on, to help my love and find my place.

This is such a great song