What I Amount To

It has been awhile.  I haven't really felt like getting on here, but there are some things I need to get off my chest.

I have been feeling really down.  I mean, I've been very depressed lately.  Which is hard to handle.  I have tons of free time on my hands since I quit my job.  I have been applying for lots of teaching jobs, but I haven't heard anything positive back yet.  This is such a stressful time.  I am so scared of not being able to find a job for a second year in a row.  It makes me feel like such a failure.

I hate that I spend so much time in my life waiting for people to give me a chance.  I am waiting for these people that have never met me, that do not know what kind of person I am, to decide whether I am worth anything at all.  Just like in high school, waiting to prove if I am smart enough.  In college, waiting for a chance to prove I can act.  Thing is, when I finally got a chance, I have never let anyone down.  I hate having to wait to prove myself, to everyone.

I am also very lonely.  This is probably because I have so much free time on my hands now.  Also, because my sweetness came down last weekend.  It was perfect.  I got to spend so much time with her.  We had so much fun, it was so romantic.  Then, she left.  I didn't know what to do to myself.  I feel so lost without her.

I am upset with her right now.  I know that I have been feeling so low, but it's hard when she is having such a hard time being there for me right now.  She is so busy with all the things she does to keep herself occupied.  I know she's trying to keep herself busy, but it's hard when I am hurting, and all I get is texts five hours apart that say "cheer up".

Also, I am hurt by how much she forgets about me and us.  The other day, she forgot about the song we had talked about being our song, and what our anniversary is.  Maybe I am holding her to standards that are not fair.  I know that I have such a tendency to go the extra mile for everyone.  But it isn't like I ask her to remember every little detail of what I say.  But I think that these things are important enough to warrant a saved spot.  Or tonight, when she forgot about how she asked me to promise to take her to her first midnight movie premiere a few weeks ago.  Well I did, but tonight she went to see the last harry potter movie with her friends.  I pointed out that I now could not keep what I promised her, and she just blew it off as no big deal.  I know it's not a major thing, but it meant something to me.  When I mentioned it, she just said she forgot about us making that promise.  I just...sometimes it's hard to feel important.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I want her to go out with her friends and have fun.  I want her to do whatever will make her happy.  I just...I want my feelings to mean something now and then.  I know she loves me, and I love her more than anything in the world.  I'm just hurting right now.  I know I will get over it soon, I just wanted to let it out.

I guess times are just tough right now.  I cannot honestly remember a time when they weren't.  I have so much time to think that I am driving myself crazy.  I think about my love, the one that hurt me, my work, my friends. It all swirls around in my head non-stop.

I guess I just need to keep going, even if it's tough.

This song has been a favorite of mine for a long time.