What makes us want what we want? Are we programmed to like things from birth, or do we develop these needs from life experience? Time and time again, I find myself longing for what I had, and driving myself crazy over what I want. JUst like the Stones said, You cant always get what you want. But do we get what we need? I don't know. It doesnt feel like it sometimes. But really, what do I need?
What do I want?
Someone to talk to. People to turn to when I fall. Something to be proud of. I've never been proud of myself. I've always relied on others to validate me for myself. I do everything in my life for others. I pushed myself as a student to make my friends and loved ones proud. I pushed myself as an actor to make my mentor and fellow students proud. I pushed myself as a director to make my actors and someone proud. I fought so hard as a teacher to make my students and my advisor proud. But why cannot I do it for me?
But is that wrong? Thats who I am. I live for others. My heart lives to make others happy. Thats how I find my happiness. Why can't the world accept me for what I am? I carrying every pain I've ever felt with me at all times. I can feel the weight crushing down on me. I am a sad person, but that doesn't mean I dont feel love and happiness. If I am cut, I do bleed. I use that pain, i use it to drive me forward to be there for others. That is what I have chosen. Can't anybody love me for that? For being selfless?
Maybe that means i dont deserve love....
Maybe I dont deserve anything i want or need....
Maybe...Maybe not...
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